Extract from : Mr S and the Secrets of Andorra's Box

Prologue

¡¥Er . . . run that by me again?¡¦

¡¥A Divorce Fair,¡¦ he goes. And he¡¦s, like, totally serious. In the RDS, of all places.

¡¥Divorce and fair,¡¦ I go. ¡¥Two words I never thought I¡¦d hear in the same sentence,¡¦ which you have to admit is a cracking line. ¡¥Dude, why?¡¦

Oisinn¡¦s like, ¡¥Why not? We have wedding fairs, don¡¦t we? Getting divorced is a bigger step than getting married. Definitely more expensive . . .¡¦

I stare at the road and say fock-all. Don¡¦t even want to think about it.

Fionn pipes up then from the back seat. ¡¥It¡¦s certainly a step no one should take without the best advice. I think it¡¦s a great idea.¡¦

Then he goes back to reading an orticle about ¡V get this ¡V loop quantum gravity.

¡¥Well,¡¦ Oisinn goes, ¡¥I can¡¦t claim all the credit. Erika was the original inspiration.¡¦

Erika. Jesus. Even the mention of her name and I¡¦m harder than Sebastien Chabal. ¡¥What¡¦s the, er, connection there?¡¦ I go, trying not to sound jealous.

He¡¦s like, ¡¥She just rang me. I think she had the idea when she was in New York that time. They actually have actual divorce parties over there . . .¡¦

¡¥I can understand how they could be quite cathartic,¡¦

Fionn goes. Cathartic? That¡¦s definitely made-up. It¡¦s like he fills his mouth with Scrabble letters, spits them out and that¡¦s a word. I don¡¦t pull him up on it, though. The poor goy¡¦s been through enough this year, what with Aoife and everything? The word is he¡¦s not going back teaching either.

¡¥Erika¡¦s still focked up about her old pair breaking-up,¡¦ I go. ¡¥A lot of people would say it¡¦s the reason she¡¦s never acknowledged her true feelings for me ¡V fear of getting hurt, blahdy blahdy blah . . .¡¦

They just ignore it.

Oisinn¡¦s like, ¡¥Two things that Erika knows a lot about ¡V divorce and partying. So she thought she¡¦d set herself up as a divorce party-planner. That¡¦s when she rang me.¡¦

I¡¦m there, ¡¥No offence, Dude, but why you?¡¦

Fionn¡¦s like, ¡¥Because he¡¦s twenty-six and worth a reputed twenty-eight million euro. She might have reasoned that he knew a thing or two about business.¡¦

It¡¦s like, fair enough ¡V I only asked.

¡¥So,¡¦ Oisinn goes, ¡¥I helped her set it up. Suddenly, she¡¦s getting fifty, sixty Ks a time to throw these parties for people. I would never have believed there was so much money to be made from other people¡¦s unhappiness. It was then that we hit on the idea of the Divorce Fair.¡¦

Fionn¡¦s like, ¡¥Erika¡¦s always had a good head on her shoulders, though. Very smart girl.¡¦

I¡¦m there, ¡¥It¡¦s those lips I¡¦d be more interested in. She could suck the nuts off an alloy,¡¦ and then I¡¦m like, ¡¥by the way, who the fock is this J. Oker?¡¦

There¡¦s a cor in front of us doing, like, forty Ks an hour and refusing to pull into the slow lane. It¡¦s supposed to be the Stillorgan dualler. I¡¦m there, ¡¥Oisinn, flash your lights at him.¡¦

He¡¦s like, ¡¥Ross, it¡¦s a cop car,¡¦ like that means something.

I¡¦m there, ¡¥Two Honours in the Leaving gets you into Templemore ¡V it doesn¡¦t entitle you to drive like an old-age pensioner.¡¦

The focking turnip-muncher eventually gets the hint and lets us pass.

When we get to JP¡¦s gaff, his old man opens the door and his face lights up like a knacker on the Nightlink when he sees us. ¡¥Been too long,¡¦ he goes, a rolled-up copy of, presumably, Jug gs or Adult Stars in his hand.

I¡¦m there, ¡¥We thought we¡¦d see did JP fancy driving around all the local dole offices with us shouting, ¡¥¡¥You focking mendicants!¡¦¡¦ at the people . . .¡¦

¡¥Excellent,¡¦ he goes. ¡¥It¡¦s just what he needs.¡¦

Mr Conroy¡¦s never really gotten over the shame of his son turning his back on a career in property for ¡V of all things ¡V God. I think when JP had his breakdown and decided not to, like, join the priesthood after all, his old man thought two weeks in a darkened room with plenty of hot Çh-Up and he¡¦d be back at Hook, Lyon and Sinker before you could say the spirit of gracious living.

Fionn speaks for us all when he goes, ¡¥So, how is he?¡¦

¡¥He¡¦s stopped babbling,¡¦ Mr Conroy goes, leading us through the house to the kitchen. ¡¥The Psalms and Leviticus quotient is definitely down.¡¦ He stops at the window. ¡¥We¡¦re still worried about him, though.¡¦

We follow his, like, line of vision out to the gorden, where JP is wearing ¡V get this ¡V green overalls and digging what looks very much to me like a hole.

I just blurt it out. ¡¥Jesus Manual Labour! What the fock is he doing?¡¦

¡¥It¡¦s called . . . landscaping,¡¦ he goes. Then he shakes his head like he thought he¡¦d never have to say the word. ¡¥He¡¦s turning that half-acre there into a contemplation garden. My son with a shovel in his hand. If this gets out, I won¡¦t be able to hold my head up in the Oval Office in Shanahan¡¦s again.¡¦

¡¥Fock!¡¦ I go and I look at Oisinn and Fionn for, like, back-up? ¡¥You can¡¦t say that that¡¦s right. That goy went to Castlerock ¡V that used to mean something in this town.¡¦

¡¥I don¡¦t see anything wrong with it,¡¦ Fionn goes. ¡¥I mean, if it helps him find inner peace . . .¡¦

Glasses. Ridiculous. I have to actually bite my tongue, though.

Oisinn puts his hand on Mr Conroy¡¦s shoulder. At least he can see how much this is tearing him up inside. ¡¥Look, we saw a lot of this shit at school. Taking a year out after the Leaving to work for, like, non-profit organizations ¡V Simon, St Vincent de Paul, that whole crew. They all copped on when they found out how much do-ray-me there was in fund management.¡¦

At last ¡V someone¡¦s talking sense. It seems to do the trick as well because suddenly Mr Conroy perks up. ¡¥So you think this is purely temporary?¡¦ he goes.