I was the nicest guy in the world. The kind of guy who gives up his seat for women who aren’t even pregnant. And all it had got me was a dead-end job, a crappy apartment and a dog that treated me as its bitch.

So one day I decided to become a totally different man. A rock-hard alpha male who fights to win, makes his own rules and doesn’t know the word sorry. An asshole.

The worst thing? It worked!

Here you’ll discover my revolutionary programme for assholism, including:

Essential body language – don’t smile, unless others are in pain
Workplace etiquette – taking credit for everything, except mistakes
Diet and exercise – the power of red meat, energy drinks and hitting below the belt
Relationships – how to avoid getting burned, even if your wife is a trained chef (like mine)
Feelings – the only luxury you can’t afford

This is the story of my journey into jerkhood.

It is my story of glory.

Q&A with Martin Kihn, author of A$$hole

What is A$$hole about?
It’s about a guy who realizes he’s too nice to get ahead in corporate America and decides to put himself through a brutal, ten-step program to turn himself into a total A$$hole. It’s the story of that transformation and how it affects his work life and his relationships. It’s a pretty crazy story. And the worst part is – that guy is me.

What inspired you to write this book?
A lot of it was turning forty and looking around at my life and being basically underwhelmed. I thought I was a nice guy and I sort of played by the rules and didn’t piss anyone off, but I wasn’t on the fast track to anywhere. I’d had a bunch of performance reviews at various jobs telling me to step up the aggressiveness, work on that eye of the tiger. But something in me clicked one day – I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I hated where I was, and I thought basically, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If nice guys finish last, then I was going to stop being a nice guy. The book is about what happened next.

Are we meant to take A$$hole seriously?
Well, I certainly did. I absolutely wanted to turn myself into an A$$hole – I wasn’t kidding. I felt like it was the only way to get what I wanted. In Manhattan that’s pretty much real estate, but I also craved a kind of status or power I didn’t have. I’d reached this point in my life where I thought it was now or never. The book turned out to be funny, but that’s because I ended up in all these absurd situations.

Like you say, some of the stuff you do in the book is outrageous. Did it all really happen?
It’s based on real stuff. I really did hire an acting coach, do boxing, eat an all-meat diet, go around town acting like a dick. It’s was kind of scary and fun at the same time. I had to be careful about all the stuff in the office just for legal reasons. Also I really  wanted this book to be entertaining – and I think I succeeded. But that meant I had to tweak some of the stuff that happened to make it more yuck-tastic. Like I say in my author’s note, if that makes me an asshole, all I can say is thank you.

A$$hole sold to Hollywood for a big chunk of change, which is unusual for a memoir. What’s up with the movie?
The idea sold to Warners even before I had a book deal. It’s in development, as they say. I was as shocked as anybody – I didn’t even know it was being considered. I think the reason was it’s a strong comic premise for a mature male lead who’s in every scene – a guy like Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell. They could really take this and make something hilarious out of it.

You start the book thinking you’re too nice to get ahead. How common a problem do you think this is?
While I was writing the book I asked a lot of men if they thought they were too nice. And guess what? Every single one of them said yes. I was surprised. I figured my immediate circle of friends might feel like I did, since I tend to like nice people. But even people I didn’t particularly like felt the same. Even guys I thought were assholes already. It was amazing. My theory is every single man in America thinks they’re too nice, except the psychos. And even some of them, probably. The same thing goes for women.

So you think even Grade A dickwads think they’re too nice?
Totally. Assholes do not know they’re assholes. That’s why they’re assholes.

What did you do to turn yourself into an A$$hole?
It was kind of an improvised process. I started out with very little idea what I’d do. That whole discovery thing is part of what makes the book suspenseful – it’s very much learn-as-you-go. I started out taking seminars and so on, but that wasn’t practical enough. The whole process really kicked into gear when I found my acting coaches. They got me into body language and the whole idea I could pretend to be somebody I wasn’t. That was a breakthrough. The other steps are all about practicing, changing your diet, doing violent sports, what I call negative meditation, hammering out your goals. Basic self-improvement stuff, except a lot less relaxing.

You have an A$$hole role model in the book you call the Nemesis. What’s the best way to spot an asshole in the workplace?
They’re all over. Literally. While writing the book I learned that the majority of human communication isn’t verbal at all. It’s not what we say, it’s who we are. Some combination of behavior, tone of voice, other things we can’t see. So the best way to spot an asshole is to feel your reaction to them. Does someone make you tense up, become defensive, get afraid? Failing that, just look for the person who takes up the most room, is the loudest, grabs credit for stuff, and doesn’t remember anybody’s name.

What’s the difference between being an assertive Alpha Male and being an A$$hole?
It’s an evolutionary step rather than a quantum leap. I make the analogy between Donald Trump and Tony Montana, who’s the character Al Pacino played in Scarface. Trump is an Alpha Male – he’s commanding, decisive, big, but if you look at how he acts on The Apprentice, he’s got some compassion. He’s human. Tony Montana is a single-minded force of nature who doesn’t care about anyone at all. He is a true A$$hole.

What advice would you give to a guy who wanted to become an A$$hole? What’s the first step?
The most important part of any journey isn’t knowing where you’re going, it’s getting out of bed. You’ve got to commit yourself to a program of action. My problem as a nice guy was I lived too much in my head – what did people think of me, did they like me? Imagine my disappointment when I found out they weren’t thinking about me at all. Not at all. So I’d say start out by getting over yourself – and I have exercises in the book to help with that. Then I’d focus on the body language part. Practice in a mirror. The whole thing is a process of working from the outside in. Fake it till you make it. If I can fake it, anybody can. Trust me on this.

Which of the Steps was the most difficult for you personally?
The first step is always the hardest. You know, deciding you have a problem. That took me forty years to get to. After that, the hardest step by far was overcoming my own self-consciousness. It was excruciating. My coach made me do this exercise where I walked around Rockefeller Center handing out one-dollar bills to people to insult me. I hated it. But I have to say, it kind of worked. It made me realize we can all do a lot of things in public we didn’t think we could. It’s all about leaping before you look.

At one point in the book you walk around Manhattan practicing being a dick, like in Starbucks. Did you ever feel you were in physical danger?
Yes. There was a moment when I was cutting in line at a hot dog stand in Central Park, and there was this very scary-looking kid there wearing a flak jacket. He had his hands in his pockets and I’m thinking what did I get myself into here. I realized I needed to be careful. It’s possible to be an A$$hole – even in New York – and not step over the line into being reckless.

Early in the book you go to an assertiveness seminar and it’s all women. Are women inherently nicer than men?
Not really. I’ll probably offend everyone including myself by saying this, but women are capable of a level of nuanced meanness that men can only dream about. I think it’s tied to better social skills. They know the subtleties of language and behavior, so they can twist them to their evil ends. Ask any woman and she’ll tell you she’d much rather work for a man than a woman. Men can get aggressive, but that’s a blunt instrument compared to what women have. For the record, I’m not talking about my own family members. Other women.

Would you really recommend that people adopt your techniques and turn themselves into A$$holes?
It depends what they want out of life. I started out this book not really sure it would be possible to change myself enough. I really didn’t know what would happen. My agent thought people might just laugh at me, and some of them did. Mostly my wife. But once I stumbled on the idea that I was developing a character, like an actor, rather than changing my deepest self – once I figured that out, it got a lot more doable. It’s work, but performers do it all the time. So – to answer your question – I think if a person really wants to be an A$$hole then my steps are about the best thing going.

What did you learn about yourself while you were writing the book?
I don’t want to give away the ending. I’ll just say that I confirmed something I’d always pretty much suspected – that people basically don’t change. Marriage counselors tell you not to try to change your spouse for a reason. It isn’t really possible. You better like them when you marry them, because that’s what you’re getting. I feel the same way about myself now. I’m better off learning to like the guy I am, nice or not. That’s not to say I’m the same man I was. I know too much now to go back there. And I like having more money.

Final question: Do nice guys finish last?
That’s the wrong question. It depends on what you mean by “last.” Usually we think it has something to do with possessions. But what if you define that word to mean having no meaningful relationships. Then the nice guy probably won’t finish too badly. Ultimately, it’s about what you value in life. Like St. Catherine of Sienna said in a totally different context, we become what we love. If you don’t love being an A$$hole, it just isn’t going to work for you.