'She says: "Darling let's have children". I know this is a historic moment. I must respond like a man. So I ignore her . . .'

Sunday Times columnist Andrew Clover would like to share with you everything he's learned - the hard way - about childcare. Starting at the beginning, by asking why men are so terrified of breeding, he examines every worry a parent is likely to face: How can I make them sleep? How do I choose a good school? Will I ever have sex again? Why should I paint my face like a tiger? Wise and candid, this is the most truthful parenting guide of all time. It's also the funniest and most inspiring read any dad - or mum - could ever hope to read.