What do google, guilt, musicals and Scarlet Johansson have in common? Answer: they’re all Good for the Jews!

But what about Christmas? Or Jordan (the celebrity, naturally)? or Scientology? Luckily the Judological Institute of Spiritual Mathematics (JISM) are pleased to reveal to the outside world – yes, Non-Jews are allowed to buy this book – the ancient mystical formula for calculating which people, products and places is, in fact, Good for the Jews.

Here the secret art of Judology (think of it as a third cousin of Kabbalah) will reveal:

• Big Brother is, in fact, Good for the Jews. Since when has someone watching your every move, listening to all your conversations, NOT been a Jewish experience?
• eBay , of course, is Not. Where else can one happily buy Hitler's nasal trimmer or mint conditioned first editions of Mein Kampf?
• Additional help in getting the J factor comes with handy lists of who to marry, which Jews changed their names, and the essential Vacation Spots that are good for the Jews.

One final note. Please do not borrow this book from a friend or library as borrowing is not Good for the Jews. Buying is. Heimische.

Extract from Yes, But is it Good for the Jews? by Jonny Geller

THE MATHEMATICAL FORMULA

Here, for the first time, the secret formula to determine whether something is good or not good for the Jews will be revealed. It must be noted that if an entry is defined as 'not good’ it does not necessarily mean that as such it is bad for the Jews. It is merely not a positive force for Jews. In certain cases, it can simply be Jew-neutral and therefore simply not good and not bad.

Important note
Each category is marked out of 7, the most important number for Jews. According to the Laws of Judology, the determination of how this mark out of 7 is reached can only be disclosed to someone who knows all six orders of Hillel’s Mishna, backwards, and in Cockney rhyming slang. The number 7 is important in many religions, none more so than Judaism. For example:

7 days in the week
7 planetary spheres
7 Wonders of the World
7 fat cows eat 7 thin cows in Pharoahs dream
Moses wore size 7 sandals
7 deadly sins
7 graces
7-year itch
7th month in the Jewish calendar Marks the start of the new year
7 seas
7 dwarfs
7 courses served in an average Jewish Friday-night dinner

The Formula
Anti-Semitic potential (otherwise known as backlash) 1
+ impact on the world 2
x the J-factor 3
= tzurus 4
divided by 7 (the mystical Kabbalistic number) 5

0 - 7: not good for the Jews
7.1 - 7.99: borderline, therefore probably not good for the Jews
8 - 14: good for the Jews

So, for example:
Easter

backlash + impact x j-factor = tzurus divided by kabbala = good / not good
7 + 6.2  x 3.35                    = 40.87  divided by 7          = 5.84

Therefore Easter is not good for the Jews.

1 Clearly there is anti-Semitic potential in everything, so this category is hard to evaluate. We have restricted this to mean an open and obvious threat to the Jews. So, violence resulting from the subject will score 7; slight fear of anti-Semitic backlash will score 1. This will be known as 'backlash'.

2 This indicates whether the subject has spawned imitators / imitations or movements outside the orginal impact of their intentions. The effect will be judged by the lasting impact ('lasting' defined as ten years or more) made outside the United Kingdom. This will be known as 'impact'.

3 Defined as any link whatsoever the subject has to Jewish heritage, culture or matrilineal descent, or whether the subject is open about his or her Jewishness or whether subject is known as being particularly 'Jewish'. The higher the grade, the more overt the Jewish identity. We have refused to look back further than seven generations. This will be known as j-factor.

4 ‘Tzurus is Yiddish for troubles, the default position of world Jewry. Tzurus is the effect of backlash potential spread across the world having been increased by Jewish origin. This will be known as 'tzurus'.

5 The mystical Kabbalistic number 7 will be known as 'Kabbalah’.

Jonny Geller on Yes, But is it Good for the Jews?

Ones to Kvatsch*

*Kvatsch is derived from the Yiddish Kvetch, "to complain"

How often have you thought to yourself, during the course of a normal working day, whether someone or something is good for the Jews? Come on! Be honest. Once an hour? Twice every ten minutes? The famous Rabbi Plotzk of Pinsk argued that the average Jewish male thinks this question every six seconds. But this can’t be proved.

What can be proved finally, and definitively, is whether You are Good for the Jews.

This is not some suicidal ramblings of a lunatic rabble rouser. No, this is science. Thanks to the magic of Judology, we at the Institute (Judological Institute of Spiritual Mathematics, or JISM) can reveal the formula that unlocks the secret of whether someone is good for the Jews or not – and just in time for the Christmas market!

Christmas is hardly a Jewish festival I hear you say. But oh no, my fellow judologist, Christmas is the birthday of the World’s Most Famous Jew. Don’t be a kill-joy, bring out the candles! Besides, when else can you stand around Not Shopping whilst everyone else goes mad buying things at full price*. To cap it all, the fools don’t realise they can get everything 50% cheaper if they just waited a few days for the January Sales? Win, win, if you ask me.

If there are any non-Jews out there who think this book is not for them, I say, “Stop plutzing!” Relax. Don’t tell me, when you see a news report which says “Earthquake:1000 dead. One Briton Feared Missing” you don’t watch avidly for more news? 5000 years of thinking like that has produced Yes, But is it Good for the Jews.

In other words, though this question might seem to some as narrow minded, parochial, woefully prejudiced, it also unlocks the heart of human existence. Who has not asked themselves whether Colonic Irrigation is good for the Jews or Not? Sudoku? Big Brother? Guilt? Cheesecake? I defy anyone not to have at least mused once on the effect ebay has on the Jewish psyche.

Yes, But... is also highly topical. For example, we will discuss Brother Mel’s most recent outburst. At AA recently (Anti-Semites Anonymous) Mel spoke movingly of his recent lapse in front of an LA police enforcement officer. “Hi. My name is Mel and I Hate Jews. (applause). I told a policeman that the Jews have all the money and that is simply not true. I do. Also, Jews control Hollywood. Not true. They couldn’t stop me making my tribute to world Jewry, the Passion of the Christ….” (Brother Mel is taken away).

The book is an ideal Christmas Schtocking filler for all the family. We live in a multi-cultural society now, where even non-Jews are allowed in certain restaurants, gentiles teach at some schools and some alternative faith followers even work in publishing and the media. We at the Institute applaud this openness in British society and our book is one step further to help this country learn to tolerate and accept non-Jews of every persuasion.

Remember, judology is not just for Christmas. And, for god’s sake, don’t borrow the book, buy it.

Jonny Geller, Director of JISM, whose international headquarters is in Cockfosters.
www.isitgoodforthejews.com

*Yes, but is it good for the Jews is £12.99 at full price before Xmas. £1.45 after Xmas.