The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4 by Penguin Books UK

Life is far from easy when you are 13 3/4. If you're not worried about spots and school bullies, you're trying to decide which of your parents to live with or whether to be a vet or a comedy writer when you grow up. Not to mention romance, in the shape of beautiful Pandora, who seems not to notice poor Adrian at all. Then there are the rejections from the BBC... how much longer can he go on!

Sue Townsend's The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4 has become a classic of comic fiction. This abridged audiobook edition is hilariously read by Stephen Mangan, who played Adrian Mole in the The Capuccino Years and also stars in The Green Wing.

‘I not only wept, I howled and hooted and had to get up and walk around the room and wipe my eyes so that I could go on reading’ 
Tom Sharpe

‘Marvellous, touching and screamingly funny … set to become as much a cult book as The Catcher in the Rye’ 
Jilly Cooper

‘Townsend’s wit is razor-sharp’ 
Mirror

Thursday January 1st
Bank Holiday in England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales

These are my New Year’s resolutions:

1. I will help the blind across the road.
2. I will hang my trousers up.
3. I will put the sleeves back on my records.
4. I will not start smoking.
5. I will stop squeezing my spots.
6. I will be kind to the dog.
7. I will help the poor and ignorant.
8. After hearing the disgusting noises from downstairs last night, I have also vowed never to drink alcohol.

My father got the dog drunk on cherry brandy at the party last night. If the RSPCA hear about it he could get done. Eight days have gone by since Christmas Day but my mother still hasn’t worn the green lurex apron I bought her for Christmas! She will get bathcubes next year.

Just my luck, I’ve got a spot on my chin for the first day of the New Year!

Friday January 2nd
Bank Holiday in Scotland. Full Moon

I felt rotten today. It’s my mother’s fault for singing ‘My Way’ at two o’clock in the morning at the top of the stairs. Justmy luck to have a mother like her. There is a chance my parents could be alcoholics. Next year I could be in a children’s home.

The dog got its own back on my father. It jumped up and knocked down his model ship, then ran into the garden with the rigging tangled in its feet. My father kept saying, ‘Three months’ work down the drain’, over and over again.

The spot on my chin is getting bigger. It’s my mother’s fault for not knowing about vitamins.

Saturday January 3rd

I shall go mad through lack of sleep! My father has banned the dog from the house so it barked outside my window all night. Just my luck! My father shouted a swear-word at it. If he’s not careful he will get done by the police for obscene language.

I think the spot is a boil. Just my luck to have it where everybody can see it. I pointed out to my mother that I hadn’t had any vitamin C today. She said, ‘Go and buy an orange, then’. This is typical.

She still hasn’t worn the lurex apron.

I will be glad to get back to school.

Sunday January 4th
Second after Christmas

My father has got the flu. I’m not surprised with the diet we get. My mother went out in the rain to get him a vitamin C drink, but as I told her, ‘It’s too late now’. It’s a miracle we don’t get scurvy. My mother says she can’t see anything onmy chin, but this is guilt because of the diet.

The dog has run off because my mother didn’t close the gate. I have broken the arm on the stereo. Nobody knows yet, and with a bit of luck my father will be ill for a long time. He is the only one who uses it apart from me. No sign of the apron.

Monday January 5th

The dog hasn’t come back yet. It is peaceful without it. My mother rang the police and gave a description of the dog. She made it sound worse than it actually is: straggly hair over its eyes and all that. I really think the police have got better things to do than look for dogs, such as catching murderers. I told my mother this but she still rang them. Serve her right if she was murdered because of the dog.

My father is still lazing about in bed. He is supposed to be ill, but I noticed he is still smoking!

Nigel came round today. He has got a tan from his Christmas holiday. I think Nigel will be ill soon from the shock of the cold in England. I think Nigel’s parents were wrong to take him abroad.

He hasn’t got a single spot yet.

Tuesday January 6th
Epiphany. New Moon

The dog is in trouble!

It knocked a meter-reader off his bike and messed all the cards up. So now we will all end up in court I expect. A policeman said we must keep the dog under control and asked how long it had been lame. My mother said it wasn’t lame, and examined it. There was a tiny model pirate trapped in its left front paw.

The dog was pleased when my mother took the pirate out and it jumped up the policeman’s tunic with itsmuddy paws.My mother fetched a cloth from the kitchen but it had strawberry jam on it where I had wiped the knife, so the tunic was worse than ever. The policeman went then. I’m sure he swore. I could report him for that.

I will look up ‘Epiphany’ in my new dictionary.