You may have been told that the latest volume of my diaries, Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction, is being published by Penguin in the autumn.

I would like you to know that the woman claiming authorship, Sue Townsend, tricked me into giving up the copyright to my diaries in 1981, I now stand by helplessly as she reaps the rewards.

However, I have been working on a book called, Celebrity and Madness, for some weeks. On many an occasion I have stayed up until almost midnight; honing the sentences, adding the adjectives and creating new verbs. (I distinctly remember, while watching the Olympics with my mother, asking her. “Has Britain medalled yet?”)

But, I digress. Celebrity and Madness is a well-researched work – many copies of the News of the World, Hello and Heat magazines were read. Scores of letters were written, though it must be said
that few celebrities had the courtesy to reply. I listened to countless anecdotes told by my dearest friend, the recently disgraced Dr. Pandora Braithwaite MP; former junior minister in the Department
of the Environment, whose own book, Out of the Box was published last year, and condemned by Playboy, who said, “leaves a bad taste in the mouth.”

Celebrity and Madness, charts the rise of celebritocracy and the subsequent demise of democracy in Britain today. Professor Laurie Taylor, the eminent sociologist, was sent a rough first draft and has returned a compliment slip acknowledging receipt.

The book contains many examples of celebrities and their madness.

• David Beckham has locked the keys inside his car on 91 different occasions!
  
• Prince Charles tried to teach his favourite dog, Toby, to recite the Lords Prayer!
  
• Liz Hurley keeps a succession of lucky spiders in a customised, Gucci, matchbox!
  
• Nadia from Big Brother collects manhole covers!
  
• John Prescott thinks about sex every 2.5 seconds!
  
• Sven Goran Eriksson has a photograph of a long-dead pet reindeer on his bedside table!
  
• The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP., QC thinks that Saddam Hussein had weapons of Mass Destruction that were capable of reaching Cyprus within 45 minutes of being deployed.

Please petition Penguin to publish Celebrity and Madness, they are sure to sell hundreds of copies. I could mention you in the Acknowledgements page and you could become a celebrity yourself.

I remain, dear reader,
Your most humble and obedient servant

Adrian A. Mole.