
Whether in the guise of a 13 3/4-year-old adolescent, a transvestite PM or the Queen reduced to living on a council estate, Sue Townsend has been brilliantly satirizing British life for more than twenty years. Penguin publish all of Townsend's hilarious Adrian Mole books and The Queen in Hell Close is an extract from The Queen and I, a brilliantly acerbic take on a Royal Family in dire straits.
As the Queen let herself into the house, she heard a familiar cough. Margaret was there. Yes, there she sat, smoking and tapping ash into a coffee cup.
'Lilibet, you look absolutely ghastly! And what have you got in that horrid smelly plastic bag?'
'Bones, for our dinner.'
Margaret said: 'I've had the most appalling time this afternoon with a ghastly little man from the Social Security. He was unspeakably vile.'
They moved into the kitchen. The Queen half-filled a saucepan with water and threw the bones into it. Margaret watched intently as though the Queen were Paul Daniels about to perform a magic trick.
'Are you good at peeling potatoes, Margaret?'
'No, of course not, are you?'
'No, but one has to try.'
'Go ahead, try,' yawned Margaret 'I'm going out to dinner tonight. I telephoned Bobo Criche-Hutchinson; he's got a house in the country. He's picking me up at 8.30'
A scum formed on the saucepan, then the water boiled over and extinguished the gas flame. The Queen relit the gas ring and said, 'You know we aren't allowed to go out to dinner; we're still under curfew. You'd better ring Bobo and put him off. You haven't read Jack Barker's sheet of instructions, have you?'
'No, I tore it into pieces.'
'Better read mine,' said the Queen, as she hacked at a King Edward with a potato with a table knife. 'In my handbag.'
When she had finished reading, Margaret inserted another cigarette inside the holder and said, 'I'll kill myself.'
'That's one option,' said the Queen. 'But what would Crawfie think of you if you did?'
'Who cares what the old witch thinks about anything? Anyway, she's dead,' burst out Margaret.
'Not for me she's not. She's with me at all times, Margaret.'
'She hated me,' said Margaret. 'She made no secret of it.'
'You were a hateful little girl, that's why. Bossy, arrogant and sly,' said the Queen. 'Crawfie said you'd make a mess of your life and she was right - you have.'
After half and hour of silence, the Queen apologised for her outburst. She explained that Hell Close had that effect on one. One got used to speaking one's mind. It was inconvenient at times, but one felt strangely good afterwards.
Buy this book, or buy the boxed set
If you like this book, you may also like these:
The Scales of Justice - John Mortimer
Scenes of Academic Life - David Lodge
A Taste of the Unexpected - Roald Dahl