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How to justify buying as many shoes as you want in 5 easy-to-follow steps 1 The economy is slowing down, so we've got to keep spending in order to avoid a recession. 2 As my mother always says, if you're doing a job, do it properly. If you've gone to the trouble of going out shopping, make it worth your while - never take the lazy way out by buying just one pair. 3 Your current ones might be stolen by a rabid inner-city fox, so it's vital to have a back-up pair. Several, actually. 4 Everyone needs a hobby. 5 You need to match your new bag. You can't go out in last season's ones. Honestly, do they want you to be a public laughing stock? |
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As if you ever need a reason, here's my top 5 reasons to buy even more handbags 1 You need to match your new shoes. You can't go out with last season's one. Honestly, do they want you to be a public laughing-stock? 2 What else are you going to carry your Maltesers in? 3 A second hobby is always nice ... 4 That rabid inner-city fox could strike again and it mightn't be shoes this time ... 5 Beautiful handbags are works of art. It's culture, innit? |
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Ice cream can be found in many flavours - but these are the best! 1 Triple chocolate, chocolate chip, chocolate coated, thigh-exploding special. (Served with chocolate sauce and anti-cellulite serum.) 2 Vanilla - the unsung hero. 3 Brown bread - strange but true! 4 Baileys - it's the one thing I miss now that I don't drink anymore. 5 Strawberry - we need to eat five helpings of fruit or veg a day, what better way to do it? |
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So, you've met the bronzed body of your dreams, the question is, what movie to go see. The only ones that fit the bill in this situation are ... 1 Roman Holiday. If you don't see him wiping away a sneaky tear at the end, get rid of him. 2 Raising Arizona. If he says, 'Blimey, what was that all about?' also hurry him to the door. 3 Seeking Five Metal Jacket Men Still Standing on a Thin Red Toor of Dooty - or any other of those war movie things starring the likes of Bruce Willis smeared with photogenic soot and wearing an ivy-covered helmet. You'll be bored out of your skull, of course, but he'll think you're the coolest girl he's ever met, for suggesting it. 4 Monsoon Wedding, you'll both feel so uplifted afterwards that anything could happen. 5 Any porno film from the local video shop - the LAUGH you'll have! |
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A surefire way for me to relax is to read a good old book with a long cool smoothie. Five of my all time favourite books have got to be ... 1 The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot - should be prescribed instead of Prozac. 2 Isobel's Bed by Elinor Lipman - ditto. 3 The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver - a great, intelligent, thought-provoking read about colonialism. 4 Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson - one of the most enjoyable books I ever read. 5 Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella - a great comfort after a particularly guilt-inducing shopping bout. Apply to the affected conscience. |
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Get down with my essential top 5 tips to surviving Hollywood! What not to say to the waiters, and more importantly what to do if your dog gets anorexia! 1 Learn to drive. If you can't you will be regarded like a creature from another planet (you probably will anyway if you look anything like me.) And if you do try to walk anywhere, accept that in seconds a police helicopter will be hovering overhead. 2 Regard hunger as your very best friend. 3 When conversation turns to weightloss, never, ever joke like you would at home, about looking like Jabba the Hut and needing to lose a stone. They won't say, "Not at all, you look great to me". Instead they will agree with you. 4 Your dog runs a very good chance of getting anorexia, but luckily there are pet psychologists who will get him to lie on a couch and make him discuss his relationship with his mother. Soon all will be well. 5 If you go to a bar (and you almost certainly will) never order 'a martini.' It would be like going into a bookshop and saying you'd like to buy a book, any book. With the martini, you have to specify which 'liquor' (brand name) you'd like, whether you want olives, if so how many and what kind, or if you'd prefer a citrus twist (if so, the rind of which fruit.) whether you want ice, (if so, if you want it regular, crushed or 'strained through.') etc. |
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Get to grips with the lingo LA style with my bluffers guide to my five-fave new sayings and what they actually mean! 1 'You go girl!' = 'Jolly well done, my dear. Bravo.' 2 'Your purse is SO great' = 'I am appalled by your handbag. Get rid of it soonest if you want anyone to take your calls in this town. Why not hurry down to Fred Segal in Santa Monica where they have a selection of the latest and greatest in arm candy.' 3 'I'm crazy about the idea of us working together. My people will be talking to your people'. = 'Take a good long look at me because you will never see me again.' 4 'What do you do?' = 'How can you help me, me a farm boy from Nebraska with just-above-average looks in my quest to become one of the highest paid actors in Hollywood? If you do not work in 'the industry', then prepare to watch me walk away from you, as though you have ceased to exist.' 5 'Yeah, I eat, like, all the time' = 'Nothing has passed my lips since the Vicodin I had the Tuesday before last. The time before that was the penis of a man who told me he was an assistant director at Dreamworks and promised me an intro to Steven. (He lied.)' |
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If you ever get the chance to visit LA check out these top places to go see: 1 Fred Segal in Santa Monica. When I die, don't bother with heaven; I want to go to Fred Segal. It's got the most beautiful clothes, the funkiest handbags, the grooviest shoes, the most cutting-edge skin care. I got a suit bag - you know those things that middle-management blokes bring to conferences to stop their suits getting creased - except mine is bright blue with big splashy flowers. It's that kind of place. 2 Shutters on the Beach. The most gorgeous hotel right on the ocean (that's another thing, you have to say 'ocean', you can't say 'sea'). The food is great and you can sit outside drinking complicated martinis, with the sea breeze blowing in your hair. On one visit, I saw Kurt Russell, Kate Hudson and Minnie Driver (who ate nothing, just drank what looked like a cup of hot water!) 3 The Beverly Centre. It's a mall, Jim, but not as we know it - there's nothing high street about it, no Dixons, no C&A style places. All the shops are interesting and special. (Betsey Johnson, Aveda, Lisa Bruce, that sort of thing.) br> 4 Sushi on Tap. A sushi restaurant, where the waiters frequently abandon their duties to tap their little feet off. The best laugh you'll ever have. 5 The Standard. Wannabe central. Oh, I mock now, but I was suicidal when I was there, because they're all so ridiculously beautiful. Tall, willowy, long blonde hair, golden gilded skin - and that was just the boys. |
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As Maggie, my main character in Angels found out, preening is big practice in LA - here's my top-five-tips on what and what not to get buffed! 1 Get your nails done. You will be treated like a leper otherwise. 2 Get your eyebrows done or no one will make eye contact with you because they'll feel so sorry for you. 3 Apart from the hair on your head, strive at all time to be entirely hair-free. If you really must you can have a little 'landing strip' on your lulu, but other than that, everything must go! 4 Embrace plastic surgery - everyone will love you for it. Nose job? You mean you haven't had one? Breast enhancement? But don't you want to succeed? 5 The big thing at the moment - and I'm being utterly serious here - is … God, I can hardly write it, is to get your bum bits bleached. I thought they were having me on, like make fun of the poor Irish woman just off the plane, but it happens, it really happens. I'm still not sure exactly why, obviously I live too sheltered a life, but I think it's to make it 'pretty'. 6 I'm afraid five isn't enough for this section. You're also going to have to go to a Pilates expert for gyroscopic realignment. She'll strap you into a pair of anti-gravity boots and you'll hang upside down like a bat. This should fix your gammy, badly aligned spine, correct your posture, reapportion fat, save the whales, fix the hole in the ozone layer ... Sorry. 7 Chakras - if they're not in good nick no one will play with you. Vigilant upkeep is necessary so get a reiki guru as soon as you arrive. 8 Boot Camp is the thing. Forget spinning classes or personal trainers, the latest thing in fitness is to get up at five am and run eight miles through a swamp while a Sergeant Major bloke shouts at you and tells you you're a disgrace, Soldier. They're all at it. |
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Or if you're just going to admire the actors ... 1 Harrison Ford. I know he's getting a little mature these days, but all the same ... I've never really recovered from Working Girl, the bit where he takes his shirt off at work and all the girls cheer .. ahhh ... 2 Philip Seymore Hoffman. I can't understand it. He's freckly, a bit chunky, and has perhaps a touch of the gingers, but he's such a great actor. 3 Brendan Gleason. Ditto. 4 George Clooney. I never really got him until I saw him in Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?, then everything changed. You were right, I was wrong - he's YUM. 5 Likewise Billy Bob Thornton. I couldn't see why women kept marrying him until I saw him in The Man Who wasn't There and he was so understatedly brilliant in it that I'd nearly marry him myself. (Assuming he was interested, of course and I've no reason to believe he might be. I think it might be my Giant's Causeway teeth.) |
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| Photo © Neil Cooper |
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