Books

Funniest Thing You Never Said 2

Rosemarie Jarski

The bestselling, blockbusting, bumper book of humorous quotations rides back into town with 6,000 more hilariously funny quotes. From times past to the modern day, classic funnies to contemporary wit, The Funniest Thing You Never Said 2 delivers an unbeatable selection of fantastic and hilarious quotes on every subject under the sun. Featuring topics as diverse as celebrity to religion, and including a cast of quotees ranging from Oscar Wilde to Homer Simpson, there's something here for everyone with a sense of humour.

'I am willing to love all mankind, except an American.' - Samuel Johnson

'Glastonbury was very wet and muddy. There was trench foot, dysentery, peaches ... all the Geldof daughters.' - Sean Lock

'Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people.' - Richard Nixon

'I've had more women than most people have noses.' - Steve Martin

'I have the simplest tastes. I'm always satisfied with the best.' - Oscar Wilde

'Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.' - Homer Simpson

'All I know is I'm not a Marxist.' - Karl Marx

'I'm the pink sheep of the family.' - Alexander McQueen

The Wit and Wisdom of the North

Rosemarie Jarski (and others)

Ey up, it's not only footie, pints and pies that are better up north - the humour also takes some beating. Whether it's comics like Peter Kay, Les Dawson and Victoria Wood, telly shows like Corrie and Open All Hours, or writers like Alan Bennett and Keith Waterhouse, the funniest and best-loved invariably hail from the land of perpetual drizzle (another thing they do better).

This grand collection of northern wit is packed with these favourites and more. Likely lads and lippy lasses cast a wry eye on subjects close to the heart of every northerner, including - brass, grub, graft, courting, cricket, tittle-tattle and t'weather - adding up to a feast of northern hilarity.

Just Like Mum Says

Rosemarie Jarski

'Having a baby is like watching two very inefficient removal men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway, only in this case you can't say, "Oh, sod it, bring it through the French windows"' Victoria Wood

'It's not easy being a mother. If it were, fathers would do it' Dorothy, The Golden Girls

Motherhood is a tough job and a serious business. Which means there's all the more reason to step back and see the funny side of it, and Just Like Mum Says is packed with humorous insights and wry observations on all matters maternal.

Tracing the course of mothering through pregnancy, the terrible twos, the teenage years and the empty nest, Just Like Mum Says includes wise and witty words from celebrated matriarchs from Marge Simpson to Sharon Osbourne, and Victoria Beckham to Victoria Wood.

In short, Just Like Mum Says amuses, delights, enlightens and touches the heart - just like Mum.

'When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job' Roseanne

Dim Wit

Rosemarie Jarski

'They misunderestimated me' George W. Bush

Einstein said only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. So in deference to the dumbing down of our culture, comes Dim Wit - a collection of the most jaw-droppingly stupid things ever said. The cast includes every famous foot-in-mouther from George W Bush to Prince Philip, Paris Hilton to Jade Goody, not to mention hundreds of unsung idiots plucked from villages the world over.

The result is a confederacy of dunces more pro-fun than profound - a clever witticism may coax an inward smile but it takes a really stupid remark to deliver a belly laugh. So pick up Dim Wit and prepare to embrace your inner moron - it may be the smartest thing you do...

'My grandma overheard two women talking in a doctor's surgery. After a while, one said to the other, "Do you know, Mary, I don't feel too well. I think I'll go home."' - Robyn Jankel

'I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.' - Samuel Goldwyn

'Winston Churchill? Wasn't he the first black President of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.' - Danielle Lloyd

Grumpy Old Wit

Rosemarie Jarski

Do you think the world's going to hell in a handcart? Do you reckon the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train?

If the answer is a heartfelt yes, you'll feel right at home amongst the malcontents and misanthropes here. Woody Allen, W.C. Fields, Dorothy Parker, Joan Rivers, Jo Brand, Mark Lamarr and Victor Meldrew are just some of the world-class curmudgeons to sound-off hilariously about all the things that make you seethe: traffic wardens, cold callers, caravans, James Blunt, estate agents, other drivers, being put on hold, men in flip-flops and modern art. With over 4,000 entries, this is the most comprehensive collection of grumpiness there has ever been.

As for you Pollyannas who persist in looking for silver linings despite dire weather warnings, isn't it about time you woke up and smelt the rancid coffee? Cast off those rose-tinted spectacles, climb on board the handcart and fasten your seatbelts: it's going to be one hell of a grumpy ride.

A Word From the Wise

Rosemarie Jarski

'A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees,' as William Blake so aptly put it. What he probably meant, being a publisher and a printer himself, was that the wise man cuts down the tree and turns the resultant paper into a one-size-fits-all book packed with the sagest advice, quips and quotations from some of the wisest and funniest people whose counsel you could ever wish to hear.

A Word from the Wise is a one-stop shop with over 6,000 quotes. It's a vast resource, but every one is a gem, from such knowledgeable souls as Hunter S Thompson, The Talmud, Dorothy Parker and Daffy Duck.

With each quote handily placed within every possible category you could think of, and with more quotes in every genre than anywhere else, A Word From the Wise is a must for anyone who thinks they could do with knowing a little bit or a lot more.

'A quotation at the right moment is like bread in a famine' The Talmud

'Imagination is more important than knowledge' Albert Einstein

'If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars' John Paul Getty

'Violence is the repartee of the illiterate' George Bernard Shaw

'Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition' Timothy Leary

'A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are' Gore Vidal

Great British Wit

Rosemarie Jarski

There's nothing much left to feel good about these days if you're British, but one of the few things where we all agree that we're still a world leader is our defining sense of humour. Thematically covering every subject imaginable, from God to dogs, this collection is the seminal gathering of our national wit and a picture of who we are as a nation - a monument to our monumental silliness.

'An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.' George Mikes

Jane Austen, Jo Brand, Craig Brown, Winston Churchill, Alan Clark, Jeremy Clarkson, Billy Connolly, Peter Cook, Tommy Cooper, Stephen Fry, A.A. Gill, Boris Johnson, Samuel Johnson, Maureen Lipman, Spike Milligan, Eric Morecambe, William Shakespeare, George Bernard Shaw, Frank Skinner, Sue Townsend, Peter Ustinov, Queen Victoria, Oscar Wilde, P.G. Wodehouse, Victoria Wood and many more.

The Funniest Thing You Never Said

Rosemarie Jarski

Whether for the loo or bedside entertainment or as a work of reference or self-improvement The Funniest Thing You Never Said is the biggest and best humorous quotation book there is - a complete one-stop shop of witty one liners. Quotations are ordered not by A-Z, but by thematic categories: love; business; religion; celebrity, you name it, every category is covered.

The collection includes all the classics from Oscar Wilde to Winston Churchill, Dorothy Parker to Groucho Marx but also mines many new hidden gems from lesser lights and includes many contemporary quotes by everyone from Jilly Cooper to Jonathan Ross. A standard companion for new collectors, and a fresh perspective for serious quotation addicts.

Biography

Rosemarie Jarski is a screenwriter who divides her time between Britain and the States. Her book publications include Wisecracks and Hollywood Wit, anthologies of on- and off-screen Hollywood quotations, a spoof guide How to Be A Celebrity, and the bestselling humorous quotations books: The Funniest Thing You Never Said, Great British Wit and A Word from the Wise.