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Stephen Clarke

A year after arriving in France, Englishman Paul West is still struggling with some fundamental questions: 
_________________ 
 
What is the best way to scare a gendarme? 
 
Why are there no health warnings on French nudist beaches? 
 
And is it really polite to sleep with your boss's mistress? 
 
In his second comedy of errors, Paul West opens an English tearoom, and mutates (temporarily) into a Parisian waiter. 
 
Meanwhile, he continues his search for the perfect French mademoiselle. But will Paul find l'amour éternel, or will it all end in merde? 
 
Author's apology: 'I'd just like to say sorry to all the suppository fans out there, because in this book there are no suppositories. There are, however, lots of courgettes, and I see this as progress. Suppositories to courgettes - I think it proves that I'm developing as a writer.' Stephen Clarke

Merde Actually

How NOT to open an English tearoom in Paris

Paul West is in deep financial merde. His only way out of debt is to accept a decidedly dodgy job: 
 _________________ 
 
It involves him touring America in a Mini, while pretending to be typically British. 
 
Also in the car is Paul's French girlfriend, Alexa, and his American poet friend, Jake, whose main aim in life is to sleep with a woman from every country in the world. Preferably in the back of Paul's Mini. 
 
But as the little car battles from New York to Miami, leg-room turns out to be the least of Paul's troubles. His work is being sabotaged, his tour plans are in tatters, and his love life becomes a Franco-American war zone. 
 
And as Paul knows better than anyone, when you mix love and war - merde happens...

Merde Happens

Hell is an American road trip with a French passenger

Paul West has just received an offer he can't refuse: 
_________________ 
 
Two weeks in the sun. 
 
All expenses paid. 
 
With a beautiful blonde called Gloria Monday. 
 
But it soon becomes obvious that Gloria, or M as she likes to be known, has bigger fish to fry. 
 
Meanwhile Paul is asked to cater his best friend’s wedding. Cooking for the French is a risky assignment at the best of times, but Paul assures the bride that nothing can go wrong. 
 
Or can it? 
 
When Paul discovers that M's real target is the French president, and that he's coming to Elodie's wedding, he realises that the merde is about to hit the fan...

Dial M For Merde

How to cook for the French president

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