My Teenage Diary: Cringeworthy teen angst from your favourite celebrities

Ever wanted to pick the lock of a celebrity’s teenage diary? Take a peek at some cringeworthy teenage angst from Meera Syal, Robert Webb and Sara Pascoe in My Teenage Diary.


Meera Syal

Monday 13 September 1976

I’m really depressed and have been crying because I’m so depressed and fed up about my weight. Firstly, I don’t know which scales to follow. At the weigh-in at Judo tonight I was half a stone heavier than on our scales! I’ve been starving myself for 2 weeks now and I’ve actually put on weight!! It’s not BLOODY FAIR!!! I’ve got about 5 rolls of flab on my back now, I’m sure they weren’t there before! I’m also fed up with Judo. I’m really crap at it and I’m stuck in this stupid competition and I’m going to make a fool of myself by losing all my bouts, Oh yeah. That’ll be great. Me. Fat me, being thrown around by Jill or Kathryn and all the lads and little kids laughing at my expense.


I gaze in the mirror 
My brown eyes dilated 
My beaky nose wavering with emotion 
My butch shoulders bulging with rolls of podge 
My stomach bulging flobbering over my waistband 
My tears flow freely 
Their silvery trail the only thin part of me 

Robert Webb

September 1989

Rob is 16.

The event that really caused repercussions was my 17th birthday piss-up in the Angel. Look, I wasn’t that pissed, just rather squiffed that’s all. Anyway the upshot is that I get off with both Debbie and Sarah K. And here’s where the shit hits the fan: the following days afterwards the situation is this.

Debbie has decided she fancies me and gets Jane to try and get me to go out with her (Debbie that is, not Jane). Though I like her, Debbie is unfortunately not the subject of my attention or – let’s face it – lust. That is most definitely Sarah’s job and over that weekend I most foolishly allowed myself to fall in love with the idea of going out with her. Well, although I never asked her myself she got wind of my intentions and politely said ‘sod off’ and promptly went out with Mike Mason instead. I speak light of it now but at the time it was flipping devastating and I plunged heroically into a week-long depression session.

Monday 23 October 1989

Last Saturday was Ben’s party at Carrington village hall. Danced mostly but then – shit! – got off with Debbie again. Oh balls, what an idiot. I even told her I’d give her a ring! I’m in some doubt. I mean I don’t really fancy her. She’s pleasant enough but I just don’t think there’s enough attraction for me there. Maybe I’m being too fussy. Maybe that’s what’s been wrong in the past and she’s just what I need.

Friday 17 November 1989

Update: Sid’s party, the most hyped spectacle since Batman. I was talking to Billy and Aaron when Debbie kind of connected herself to me. Well we sat down and well … what could I do but get off with her? It was only briefly and I suddenly realised that I didn’t want this situation at all. There was a party going on and I didn’t want to be sat there, annoyed, with someone I don’t find remotely attractive. Anyway, after just one fairly long kiss, I heard ‘U Got the Look’ come on and said ‘Oh I’ve just got to dance to this.’ She relented reluctantly and we went to dance. Well, already on the floor was Sarah K who I fancy LIKE SHITTING HELL. And then I did something rather despicable. I started dancing exclusively AT Sarah, totally ignoring Debbie. As well as holding all my sexual attention, Sarah is also a cool mover and we really started FREAKING. After 3 or 4 songs it became clear to Debbie that she might want to go and do something else. I felt quite guilty of course but didn’t really dwell on it.

Dancing with Sarah like that was the most fun I’ve ever had. It was really varied and sexy and just FUN to do. After a while we went outside to cool off. We didn’t get off with each other (obviously more her preference than mine) but really that’s not what I expected and I wasn’t really disappointed at all.

My Teenage Diary

Sid’s party, the most hyped spectacle since Batman.

Sara Pascoe

Saturday 20 January 2001

Met Mark for a drink – was going really well – then got a bit awkward. He has got loads of stuff on his mind. He has a beautiful body and is hung like a donkey, but I’m worried we don’t really click.

Wednesday 3 October 2001

Tidied and packed stuff. Cried a bit – I like Mark a lot. Spent two hours on train to Brighton reading The Hobbit. Saw Halls – mucky but room is nice and big and new. (Haunted apparently!) Forgot to bring duvet/pillow etc. – doh.

Tuesday 15 October 2002

Was angry cos people used my Dove facial wipes as toilet paper.

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