One sunny Sunday in Buenos Aires, my daughter and I were playing her favourite game on the swings. She was two at the time, and would happily spend the best part of an hour sailing backwards and forwards through the air, occasionally tilting her head to look up at the sky. I liked to push the swing from the front so I could watch the permanent smile on her face as she fully enjoyed the moment. Every few minutes, in my naive, adult way, I would suggest she have a go on the slide or the seesaw, assuming she must be getting bored. I couldn’t understand how she could spend so much time on it.

Obviously, I was using my timescale, not hers. Every now and then, I would stop pushing the swing to check my smartphone for emails, browse the newspaper online, or send a message. I did this strategically so that before the swing lost momentum and she had to ask me, I would resume pushing, and her curly locks would once more flutter against the back of the seat.


If I had one piece of advice for young girls, and women, it would be this: girls, don’t read any books by men. Stay away from them.

My world, in short. My life. Everything I thought and felt was reflected in these books - I felt befriended by these imaginary girls, spread across the centuries. I felt like we were all in this together. I felt normal. I felt like my life was a story, too - something to rejoice in; to share without fear, or embarrassment, or stumbling to find the right words. I felt - as you should, at that age - that me, and girls like me, were the centre of the world, and that we were important.

It was only years later - quite recently, really - that I started reading all the books you’re supposed to read: the books by the Great White Males. Faulkner, Chandler, Hemingway, Roth. The canonically brilliant. The men in them are brilliant, clever, awkward, compelling, complex - their stories drag you in, their voices are unstoppable. The dazzle and flair is undeniable. As both a writer, and a reader, I bow down to them.

But as a woman?  What I noticed, straight away, was how unwelcome these books made me feel. How uncomfortable. As someone reading a book with my heart open, waiting to find out how the author would see me; talk to me; evaluate me, as a girl who might be in these books - as I was in the others I read - my heart was broken in the first few pages. Or else, slowly, creepingly chilled, until I had to stop, two chapters in: all love quietly crushed.

For as soon as a female character enters a story written by these dazzling, confident, 20th century men, the author is apt to look a her with a cold, cold eye. Describing how she looks in a way that I  - raised on female authors, with their gentleness, pride and respect for female bodies - was wholly unused to. That famous Raymond Chandler line - a line which, in isolation, I thought so brilliant? “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.”

When you read that, in Farewell, My Lovely, it makes you think, in quick succession, “Man, that is a beautiful line,” and then, “Christ, what an exhausting thing to be.” A woman who makes bishops want to kick holes in stained glass windows. How’s her day going? What’s her story? How is she navigating this difficult life - of driving bishops insane, and violent, just by walking into a room?

As a girl, like her, I feel like putting my arm around her, and saying, “Dude - shall we go for a drink somewhere - somewhere away from cathedrals - and sigh over how difficult life is?” I think any grown, adult, confident woman reading it would.

And yet, in Chandler’s world - and for Chandler’s male readers -  that’s the best thing a woman can be. This woman - surrounded by crazy men - is supreme.

Now I know, if I’d read that when was I was a teenage girl – 13 or 14 - those words would have gone into me in a bone-deep way. I would have thought, “Raymond Chandler is a by-word for cool, so I must, clearly, become the kind of woman who makes bishops want to kick in windows, also. I don’t know how I will do this - I must lose weight, and wear heels, and put on lipstick, and find some manner of intoxicating walk, and look sultry at all times, and never run into the room screaming ‘OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW MUPPET MOVIE? KERMIT RIDES A BICYCLE WITH HIS TINY FROG LEGS!’ That is what I must do, now. Because everyone knows the best people are made by books - and so I will be made by this book, too. Because it is a classic. Because it is written by a genius. Because these are the books you are supposed to love.”

No. They are not the right books to read, if you are a young girl. They are not the voices you should allow in your head. Until you are grown - until you can argue, with confidence, with a narrator; with a genius; with a world-view - girls, do not read books by old men. They live in another century, and you are the future. You, and all those brilliant, beautiful girls, writing in the past.

  • Moranifesto

  • ‘I’ve lived through ten iOS upgrades on my Mac – and that’s just something I use to muck about on Twitter. Surely capitalism is due an upgrade or two?’

    When Caitlin Moran sat down to choose her favourite pieces for her new book she realised that they all seemed to join up. Turns out, it’s the same old problems and the same old ass-hats.

    Then she thought of the word ‘Moranifesto’, and she knew what she had to do…

    This is Caitlin’s engaging and amusing rallying call for our times. Combining the best of her recent columns with lots of new writing unique to this book, Caitlin deals with topics as pressing and diverse as 1980s swearing, benefits, boarding schools, and why the internet is like a drunken toddler.

    And whilst never afraid to address the big issues of the day – such as Benedict Cumberbatch and duffel coats – Caitlin also makes a passionate effort to understand our 21st century society and presents us with her ‘Moranifesto’ for making the world a better place.

    The polite revolution starts here! Please.

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