East Of Ealing

The third book in the legendary Brentford trilogy

'Robert Rankin is a deep-down humorist, one of the rare guys who can always make me laugh'

Everybody should read at least one Robert Rankin in their life

This is Rankin at his comic best. He does for England what Spike Milligan does for Ireland. There can be no higher praise.

Robert Rankin is the author of many novels, including Web Site Story, Waiting for Godalming, Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls, Snuff Fiction, Apocalypso, The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag, Sprout Mask Replica, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, A Dog Called Demolition, The Garden of Unearthly Delights, The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived, The Greatest Show Off Earth, Raiders of the Lost Car Park, The Book of Ultimate Truths, the Armageddon quartet (three books), and the Brentford trilogy (five books) which are all published by Corgi Books.   For more information on Robert Rankin and his books, see his website at www.lostcarpark.com/sproutlore

'Ahead, where once had been only bombsite land, the Lateinos and Romiith building rose above Brentford. Within its cruel and jagged shadow, magnolias wilted in their window boxes and synthetic Gold Top became doorstep cheese...' 
 
Something sinister is happening east of Ealing. The prophecies of The Book of Revelation are being fulfilled. 
 
Lateinos &amp; Romiith, a vast financial network, is changing all the rules with a plan to bar-code every living punter and dispense with old-fashioned money. A diabolical scheme, which would not only end civilisation as we know it, but seriously interfere with drinking habits at the Flying Swan. 
 
Can Armageddon, Apocalypse and other inconveniences of the modern age be stopped by the humble likes of Pooley and Omally, even with the help of Professor Slocombe and the time-warped Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street...?

The Book Of Ultimate Truths

Robert Rankin is the author of  Web Site Story, Waiting for Godalming, Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls, Snuff Fiction, Apocalypso, The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag, Sprout Mask Replica, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, A Dog Called Demolition, The Garden of Unearthly Delights, The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived, The Greatest Show Off Earth, Raiders of the Lost Car Park, The Book of Ultimate Truths, the Armageddon quartet (three books), and the Brentford trilogy (five books) which are all published by Corgi Books.  For more information on Robert Rankin and his books, see his website at www.lostcarpark.com/sproutlore

He had walked the earth as Nostradamus, Uther Pendragon, Count Cagliostro and Rodrigo Borgia. He could open a tin of sardines with his teeth, strike a Swan Vesta on his chin, rope steers, drive a steam locomotive and hum all the works of Gilbert &amp; Sullivan without becoming confused or breaking down in tears. He died, penniless, at a Hastings boarding house, in his ninetieth year. 
 
His name was Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald Arthur Rune, and he was never bored. Hailed as the 'guru's guru', Rune penned more than eight million words of genius including his greatest work, The Book of Ultimate Truths. But vital chapters of The Book were suppressed, chapters which could have changed the whole course of human history. Now, seventeen-year-old Cornelius Murphy, together with his best friend Tuppe, sets out on an epic quest. Their mission - recover the missing chapters. Re-publish The Book of Ultimate Truths. And save the world.

A Dog Called Demolition

'He becomes funnier the more you read him'

Robert Rankin is the author of Web Site Story, Waiting for Godalming, Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls, Snuff Fiction, Apocalypso, The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag, Sprout Mask Replica, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, A Dog Called Demolition, The Garden of Unearthly Delights, The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived, The Greatest Show Off Earth, Raiders of the Lost Car Park, The Book of Ultimate Truths, the Armageddon quartet (three books), and the Brentford trilogy (five books) which are all published by Corgi Books. For more information on Robert Rankin and his books, see his website at www.lostcarpark.com/sproutlore

DANNY: PORTRAIT OF A SURREAL KILLER 
 
Danny's not sad and lonely any more because Danny's got 'the voices'. Well, one voice. It's the voice of his dog. Not that it's a real dog, Danny's mother would never let him have a real dog, so Danny made up one for himself. And a fine big dog it is too, with a waggy tail and a nice cold nose. Danny was going to call it Princey, but the dog told him its name was Demolition. So that's what Danny calls it. 
 
And the dog's told him other things too. Like how to adjust the bar-code reader in the shop where Danny works so that he can read the lines on people's palms and Danny can see what they're thinking. And which small ads in the comic books to send off to, so Danny can become irresistible to women, bend others to his will, gain vital inches and fear no man living. 
 
No, Danny's not sad and lonely any more. Danny's barking mad. 
 
Robert Rankin has been described variously as 'Funnier than Aleister Crowley, more dangerous than P.G. Wodehouse' (Cardinal Cox, EP Magazine), 'The drinking man's H.G. Wells' (Midweek) and 'An irregular genius' (David Profumo, The Daily Telegraph). His 13th novel is a nightmare journey to hell and back (with only a brief stop at a Happy Eater to use the toilet). Where Natural Born Killers and Silence of the Lambs merely dipped their toes in terror's icy water, Rankin boldly takes his lurex sock off and really puts his foot in it.

Web Site Story

A techno-gothic blockbuster from the Father of Far-Fetched Fiction.

'One of the rare guys who can always make me laugh'

'Everybody should read at least one Robert Rankin in their life'

Robert Rankin is the author of, among others, Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls, Snuff Fiction, Apocalypso, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, the Armageddon quartet (three books), and the Brentford trilogy (five books). For more information on Robert Rankin and his books, see his website at www.lostcarpark.com/sproutlore

They wrote it off as a scare story. The Millennium Bug, the non-event of the twentieth century. But they were wrong, because the Bug was real. Is real. It's a computer virus and it's about to make the deadly species cross-over, from machine to mankind. The Black Death was spread by rats. But this plague will be spread by a mouse. The computer mouse. And do you know how many different kinds of computer viruses there are? And just what they do? And just what they might do to you if you become infected? No? Then read this book and learn the terrible truth. 
 
Or perhaps you'd rather take a holiday in Brentfordland®? Formerly known as Brentford, this Thamesside Shangri La is now London's first ever suburban theme park and holiday village. A world of excitement, relaxation and fabulous fun, waiting just for you. To find out more, log on to the Brentfordland® web site. Just give your computer mouse a wiggle. 
 
Go on. 
 
What harm can it do?

Snuff Fiction

A flamboyantly futuristic farce about the glamorous world of snuff-snorting.

'Delivering a characteristically cracked alternative history of the late 20th century...Rankin is on excellent form'

Robert Rankin is an unrepentant Luddite who writes his bestselling novels by hand in exercise books. He is the author of 23 novels all published by Corgi, including the Armageddon quartet (three books) and the Brentford trilogy (five books).

We read him for his exuberant salmagundi of old jokes, myths, urban and otherwise, catchphrases, liberatingly crazy ideas, running gags, recurring characters and locations, unreliable authobiographical anecdotes, and not forgetting the now legendary 'load of old toot'. He becomes funnier the more you read him' Mat Coward, Independent on The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag 
 
Society's plug is about to be pulled, big time. At the stroke of midnight on 31 December 1999, computer systems all over the world will crash and plunge us into chaos. But so what if it's the downfall of civilization? These things happen. We'll just have to take it on the chin. Or at least up the nose. Because rejoice and give thanks, snuff is making a comeback. And who do we thank for this? Who is the man who brings joy to the nostrils of the nation? The tender blender with the blinder grinder? The master blaster with the louder powder? The geezer with the sneezer that's a real crowd pleaser? Mr Doveston, that's who, and this is his story. So forget about impending doom and enter the glamorous world of snuff-snorting. Oh, and don't forget to bring a hanky. Things could get a little messy later. 
 
Robert Rankin's novel gleefully chronicles the collapse of civilisation, as the world slides into chaos with a smile on its face and a finger up its nose. Prophetic vision of an imminent dystopia? Or just the rabid ranting of a snuff-crazed technophobe?

The Fandom Of The Operator

Advanced telecommunications technology offers first ever hotline to the dead...

'Robert Rankin is uniquely off-the-wall, unparalleled in his eccentricity: there's no other comic fantasy author like him'

Robert Rankin is the author of Web Site Story, Waiting for Godalming, Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls, Snuff Fiction, Apocalypso, The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag, Sprout Mask Replica, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, A Dog Called Demolition, The Garden of Unearthly Delights, The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived, The Greatest Show Off Earth, Raiders of the Lost Car Park, The Book of Ultimate Truths, the Armageddon quartet (three books), and the Brentford trilogy (five books) which are all published by Corgi Books.  Robert Rankin's latest novel, The Fandom of the Operator, is now available as a Doubleday hardback.  For more information on Robert Rankin and his books, see his website at www.lostcarpark.com/sproutlore

'To call Rankin irreverent doesn't begin to describe just how good he is at playing with the rules' MIRROR 
 
Gary Cheese is twenty-two years of age and works for British Telecom as an operator. Gary's hobbies include watching TV, walking his dog Princey, going down the pub with his mates, and attempting to re-animate the dead. He hasn't been having too much success with the latter so far. But Gary's heard a rumour. According to this bloke he met down the pub, there exists certain telecommunications technology that can actually let you speak to the dead. Apparently it's been in operation for years. FLATLINE, it's called, a chatline to the dead. They ran all these ads on the TV a few years ago to prepare the public for it. Those ones about having a one-to-one with famous dead people. But it seems something went very wrong: the dead had certain things to say to the living that the powers that be couldn't allow to be heard. Or something. Apparently. Gary's determined to find out the truth. Gary's a bit of a fan boy and Gary really wants to speak to all of his dead heroes. And Gary will have the time of his life when he talks to the dead.

Sex And Drugs And Sausage Rolls

Rock Music joins the Devil in a fantastic fandango.

He becomes funnier the more you read him.' Independent 
 
It has always been John Omally's secret ambition to become a rock star. In his youth he mastered air guitar and wardrobe-mirror posing, but he lacked that certain something. Talent. But at last an opportunity has arisen for John to get into 'The Industry'. A band called Gandhi's Hairdryer are looking for a manager, so all John has to do is persuade them that he is the new Brian Epstein. It should be a piece of cake. But - and there's always a but - there is something rather odd about this band. Something other-worldly. It might be the lead singer, whose voice has the power to heal. Might she be an angel, perhaps? Or could she be the Devil in disguise? Because, after all, the Devil does have all the best tunes. And this is Brentford. 
 
In this, his final offering of the twentieth century, Robert Rankin returns to the town of his birth, the friends of his youth and one of the loves of his life: Rock Music. 
 
'Everybody should read at least one Robert Rankin in their life.' Daily Express

Apocalypso

Oscar Wilde meets Kurt Vonnegut in the genetics lab of classic fantasy humour'  SFX

'We read Rankin for his exuberant salmagundi of old jokes, myths urban and otherwise, catchphrases, liberatingly crazy ideas, running gags, recurring characters and locations, unreliable autobiogrpahical anecdotes...His impressively individual style means that he becomes funnier the more you read him'

'He does for England what Spike Milligan does for Ireland. There can be no higher praise'

The Ministry of Serendipity at Mornington Crescent runs everything. And that is everything.When the Ministry learns of a spacecraft that crashed four thousand years ago into the Pacific Ocean it sends an élite team of paranormal investigators to recover it. A mad alien thaws out, there is hell and horror all around and thousands flee in terror. 
 
Porrig has inherited a planet, or it might be a bookshop, or it might be a gateway into another world. And Porrig is worried, because he has learned a terrible secret. But if he told people, would they listen? No. 
 
But perhaps they should, because a mad alien has thawed out, there is hell and horror all around and thousands are fleeing in terror. And there is every likelihood of there being a bloody big explosion at the end. Will Porrig manage to do anything about it at all?

The Brentford Chain-Store Massacre

Brentford celebrates the New Millennium - two years early to avoid the rush.

'Stark raving genius...alarming and deformed brilliance'

There is nothing more powerful than a bad idea whose time has come. And there can be few ideas less bad or more potentially apocalyptic than that hatched by genetic scientist Dr Stephen Malone. Using DNA strands extracted from the dried blood on the Turin Shroud, Dr Malone is cloning Jesus. And not just a single Jesus, he's going for a full half-dozen so that each of the world's major religions can have one. It's a really bad idea. 
 
In Brentford they've had a really good idea. They're holding the Millennial Celebrations two years early to avoid the rush. It's a tradition, or an old charter, or something. And it promises to be the party of this, or any other, century. Unless, of course, something REALLY BAD was to happen... 
 
Described as a 'stark raving genius' (Observer), Robert Rankin has once again surpassed himself in his latest creation.

Sprout Mask Replica

The compelling story of a family of fervent God-botherers which may or may not be a family memoir and is certainly full of tall tales.

His great-great grandfather died at the Battle of Little Big Horn. He wasn't with Custer though. He was holding a sprout-bake and tent meeting in the field next door and went over to complain about the noise. His great-grandfather (also a sprout farmer and man of the cloth) always wore weighted shoes while in the pulpit, to avoid any embarrassing levitations during moments of extreme rapture. His grandfather (lay precher, large sideburns, taste for sprouts) spoke only in rhyming couplets (to please the ghost of his dead wife) and owned a pig called Belshazzar that dined exclusively upon the aforementioned vegetables and did strange things on the back parlour wall. His father (an elder in the Sacred Order of the Golden Sprout) practised body-modification in an attempt to win a bet with his brother (a monk) that he could shin up the inside of a drainpipe. 
 
And there was him. And he was weird. Can this be Robert Rankin's autobiography? He swears that it isn't, but as a self-confessed teller of tall tales, whoever is going to believe him?

Nostradamus Ate My Hamster

More zany fantasy fol-de-rol from the master.

'Classic Robert Rankin.&nbsp; If you've never read a Rankin before, grab yourself a handful of Nostradamus Ate My Hamster'

DO HOLOGRAMS DREAM OF ELECTRIC CINEMA? He wanted Hollywood. He got Brentford. He wanted Spielberg. He got Fudgepacker. He got who? 
 
Fudgepacker. Ernest Fudgepacker. Directed all those weird B-movies back in the Fifties. Whatever happened to him? He retired. Opened Fudgepacker's Emporium, a prop house catering to the more bizarre needs of the film industry. Amazing place. There you could hire anything from shrunken heads to a pickled homunculus. Trouble is, they just don't make that kind of movie any more. Ernie's going bust. In fact, if he can't come up with some big bucks pretty damn quick, he's going to lose the business. It will take a miracle to save him now. 
 
Young Master Robert believes in miracles. He has a dream. He wants to star in movies alongside The Greats. The Golden Greats. The dead Golden Greats. He's a boy boffin with computers and he's invented this system that could put the stars of yesteryear right back up there on the screen. Next to him. He's written a script and he's got piles of money (his dad owns the brewery), but Hollywood isn't keen. And Mr Spielberg didn't ring back. The lad needs a director and Ernie needs the dosh, and Ernie only lives up the road. Could this be the perfect partnership? 
 
Well, it could be...but then this is Brentford and when you make movies in this neck of the woods, you can be sure of a BIG surprise. And when Brentford takes on Hollywood, then Hollywood had better pack up and head for the hills.

The Garden Of Unearthly Delights

Another zany fantasy classic from the Zen Master of Zaniness!

'Rankin does for England what Spike Milligan does for Ireland.&nbsp; There can be no higher praise'

YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE AGE OF AQUARIUS PLEASE LOWER YOUR SEAT WHEN RISING FROM YOUR HEAD. 
 
It was something to do with the cycles of history. The way great civilizations rise and fall. Golden ages and dark ages. Things of that nature. 
 
Few people noticed at first. The changes. They were subtle to begin with. Like when the Leader of the Opposition challenged the PM to step outside and settle things man to man. And the PM agreed. Or the way the baked ham rose up against Dave while he was standing in the check-out queue at Budgens. Small things. But they just kept getting bigger. 
 
And by the time everyone realized that something very strange was going on, it was all too late. 
 
The Earth had left behind the age of science and reason and moved once more into a time of myth. A time of legend and heroes. Of romance and wizardry and wonder. 
 
It was a time to take the mother of all giant leaps and enter - 
 
THE GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS

The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived

The latest madcap fantasy adventure by the author of the now legendary Brentford Trilogy.

Norman's definitely dead. His dad fell out of the sky and flattened him. And as Norman didn't want any regular full-time employment before he died, he certainly doesn't want any now. Especially not here at The Universal Reincarnation Company. There's far too many filing cabinets and far too much paperwork. Not that it's the company's fault. The blame really lies with God. If He hadn't decided to close down Hell, then Heaven wouldn't have got too overcrowded and there would have been no need to build the extension. And until the extension is finished, the U.R.C. will just have to keep on recycling all those souls in the big queue. 
 
If your taste is for a tender romance, taut with passion and desire, love and betrayal, then this raging stonker of a novel, bursting out of its leather pants with sex, scandal, murder, mystery, suspense, drama, action, adventure and Mad Car Disease, probably won't be for you. Sorry.

Raiders Of The Lost Carpark

'A splendidly entertaining book. Ludicrous, inconsequential and great fun. It will be eagerly lapped up by Rankin cult members, and an unexpected treat for anyone sampling him for the first time'

Robert Rankin is the author of Web Site Story, Waiting for Godalming, Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls, Snuff Fiction, Apocalypso, The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag, Sprout Mask Replica, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, A Dog Called Demolition, The Garden of Unearthly Delights, The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived, The Greatest Show Off Earth, Raiders of the Lost Car Park, The Book of Ultimate Truths, the Armageddon quartet (three books), and the Brentford trilogy (five books) which are all published by Corgi Books. Robert Rankin's latest novel, The Fandom of the Operator, is now available as a Doubleday hardback. For more information on Robert Rankin and his books, see his website at www.lostcarpark.com/sproutlore

Hugo Rune returns. And just in time, for the evil fairies of Brentford are planning to conquer the world. To publicise his mission, Hugo plans to kidnap the Queen while she addresses the world before a gig by the greatest rock band on earth, Gandhi's Hairdryer.

The Sprouts Of Wrath

The fourth novel in the now legendary BRENTFORD TRILOGY.

'A very funny book...A brilliant and exceedingly well written series'

Amazing, but true: Brentford Town Council, in an act of supreme public-spiritedness (and a great big wodge of folding stuff from a mysterious benefactor) has agreed to host the next Olympic Games. The plans have been drawn up, contracts, money and promises are changing hands. Norman's designed some stunning kit for the home team, and even the Flying Swan's been threatened with a major refit (gasp!). But something is very wrong...primeval forces are stirring in ancient places...dark magic is afoot in Brentford and someone must save the world from overpowering evil... 
 
...Jim Pooley and John Omally, come on down! 
 
This must be the daring duo's toughest assignment yet. No longer can they weigh up the situation over a pint of large at random moments during the day. No, this time, to save the world as we know it, the lads must contemplate - nay, undertake - the most horrible, the most terrifying, the heretofore untried - REGULAR EMPLOYMENT!!!

Armageddon III: The Remake

The Suburban Book Of The Dead

[Rankin] does for England what Spike Milligan does for Ireland. There can be no higher praise

AT LAST! 
The much-longed-for final part of the stupendous ARMAGEDDON trilogy. 
 
And so it came to pass that on 27 July 2061 in the land of Eden, the money-free Utopia, Rex Mundi did toil mightily in his back garden. And he did excavate a cesspit like unto the one which his wife Christeen - the daughter of God and the twin sister of Christ - had been giving him GBH of the earholes regarding the need for therewith. 
 
And verily in the midst of his labours did Rex's spade strike a buried object of not inconsiderable size. 
 
And lo. It were a marble statue of Elvis Presley. 
 
Oh yes siree! 
 
For Elvis looms large here, much to Rex's discomfort, which is further increased when he discovers that the walls of Jericho fell to the strains of 'It's Now or Never' and that David slew the dwarf Goliath wearing blue suede shoes. When Rex is confronted with The Singular Case of the Purloined Presliana, and the Luminous Order of the Sacred Sprout, he realises things are getting out of control...

The Brentford Triangle

The second book in the legendary Brentford trilogy.

'A born writer...Robert Rankin is to Brentford what William Faulkner was to Yoknapatawpha County'

'Omally groaned. "It is the end of mankind as we know it. I should never have got up so early today" and all over Brentford electrical appliances were beginning to fail...' 
 
Could it be that Pooley and Omally, whilst engaged on a round of allotment golf, mistook laser-operated gravitational landing beams for the malignant work of Brentford Council? 
 
Does the Captain Laser Alien Attack machine in the bar of the Swan possess more sinister force than its magnetic appeal for youths with green hair? 
 
Is Brentford the first base in an alien onslaught on planet Earth?

The Antipope

The first book in the now legendary Brentford trilogy.

'Wonderful...A heady mix of Flann O'Brien, Douglas Adams, Tom Sharpe and Ken Campbell, but with an inbuilt irreverence and indelicacy that is unique - and makes it the long-awaited, heavy smoker's answer to The Lord Of The Rings'

'Wonderfully entertaining...reads like a Flann O'Brien rewrite of Close Encounters'

'Outside the sun shines. Buses rumble towards Ealing Broadway and I'm expected to do battle with the powers of darkness. It all seems a little unfair...' 
 
You could say it all started with the red-eyed tramp with the slimy fingers who put the wind up Neville, the part-time barman, something rotten. Or when Archroy's wife swapped his trusty Morris Minor for five magic beans while he was out at the rubber factory. 
 
On the other hand, you could say it all started a lot earlier. Like 450 years ago, when Borgias walked the earth. 
 
Pooley and Omally, stars of the Brentford Laboiur Exchange and the Flying Swan, want nothing to do with it, especially if there's a Yankee and a pint of Large in the offing. Pope Alexander VI, last of the Borgias, has other ideas...

Armageddon: The Musical

'To the top-selling ranks of humorists such as Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, let us welcome Mr Rankin'

'He crams enough gags into Armageddon the Musical to last anyone else for a trilogy. And nothing's sacred. So buy this quick, before he ends up sleeping in Salman Rushdie's spare bedroom'

From the point of view of 2050, you're history 
 
Theological warfare. Elvis on an epic time-travel journey - the Presliad. Buddhavision - a network bigger than God (and more powerful, too). Nasty nuclear leftovers. Naughty sex habits. Dalai Dan (the 153rd reincarnation of the Lama of that ilk) and Barry, the talkative Time Sprout. Even with all this excitement, you wouldn't think a backwater planet like Earth makes much of a splash in the galatic pond. 
 
But the soap opera called The Earthers is making big video bucks in the intergalactic ratings race. And alien TV execs know exactly what the old earth drama needs to make the off-world audience sit up and stare: a spectacular Armageddon-type finale. With a cast of millions - including you! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL - IT'S GONNA BE A HELLUVA SHOW!

Robert Rankin

'Mr Rankin levitates even more amazingly than in his first novel, and is a flotation not to be missed...Hellzapoppin with hallucinatory knobs on and a talent to bemuse which is hugely welcome in this grey-suited time'

Armageddon II: The B-Movie

QUIVER AT! Horrible demonic stuff oozing out of computer screens! 
 
SHOCK HORROR! Elvis Presley pulling his face off! 
 
GASP AT! a talking brussels sprout! 
 
SEE! Cannibals on the rampage! 
 
HEAR! Fido the Dog do Frankie Howerd impressions! 
 
SEE! Rex Mundi, Rambo Bloodaxe, Deathblade Eric, Hugo Rune and a cast of millions caught up in Events Beyond Their Control! 
 
THRILL TO! all the loose ends from Armageddon the Musical magically tied up! 
 
WATCH! A comic genius doing the business! 
 
SEE?

Robert Rankin

Praise for They Came And Ate Us

'Mr Rankin levitates even more amazingly than in his first novel, and is a flotation not to be missed...Hellzapoppin with hallucinatory knobs on and a talent to bemuse which is hugely welcome in this grey-suited tim ...

Books by Robert Rankin

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