Nowhere to Run

Nowhere to Run

The ridiculous life of a semi-professional football club chairman


‘Captures the illogical romance of the sport’ NEW STATESMAN

Ever wondered what it would be like to run your local football club?

On the second oldest football pitch in the world, Jonathan Sayer stands atop a beer crate to address the assembled fans. As his initial optimism begins to slip through his fingers, the new chairman of Ashton United starts to realize the scale of the challenge ahead.

With a fan-led mutiny on his hands, a star striker on crutches, and a record number of games without a win, Jonathan is forced to make a series of increasingly desperate decisions – from sinking his life savings into an ever-spiralling wage bill to inviting a local priest to perform a late-night exorcism on the pitch.

Chronicling the euphoric highs and bitter disappointments of the less glamourous side of the beautiful game, Nowhere to Run is the hilarious, heart-warming tale of life in the hot seat of a non-league football club.

‘A glorious chronicle of memorable highs, bitter disappointments and never-ending bills’


  • A funny, heartwarming story, packed with memorable characters that you'll want to cheer all the way. Ave it!
    Peter Kay

About the author

Jonathan Sayer

Jonathan Sayer is an award-winning comedy playwright and screenwriter; he is the co-author of The Play That Goes Wrong (Henry Lewis, Henry Shields), Peter Pan Goes Wrong, The Comedy About A Bank Robbery, Groan Ups, Magic Goes Wrong (Penn & Teller), The Mind Mangler Member of The Tragic Circle and The Goes Wrong Show (BBC One- series 1&2). He is a writer, performer and Creative Director of Mischief Comedy. His work has been performed internationally in forty-nine territories including The West End and Broadway.

As a footballer Jonathan played his only competitive game for AFC Stanley Tigers U13's in the late nineties. He was brought on as a half time substitute and substituted again shortly after gifting the opposition three goals in five minutes. After his debut Accrington Stanley ended its official ties to the team and Jonathan took the decision hang up his brand new boots for good.
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