Diddly Squat
Diddly Squat: Home to Roost
The spring crop failed. Farming sheep, pigs and cows was hardly more lucrative (better off breeding ostriches…)
But in the face of uncooperative weather, bureaucracy, and the world’s persistent refusal to recognise his genius, our hero’s not beaten yet. Not while the farm shop’s still doing a roaring trade in smelly candles, he isn’t.
Misery loves company and in girlfriend Lisa, Farm Manager Kaleb, Cheerful Charlie and Gerald his Head of Security Jeremy’s got the best. And it’s hard to feel too gloomy with a JCB telehandler, a crop-spraying hovercraft and a digger in the barn.
Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly
Get tucked in to a third bestselling helping of Clarkson's Farm from our favourite wellie-wearing wannabe farmer, Jeremy Clarkson
'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph
'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out
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After three years, Jeremy Clarkson has discovered the golden rule of farming:
whatever you hope will happen, won't.
Enthusiastic schemes to diversify face defeat at the hands of the Council Planning department, or derision from Kaleb. Jeremy's plans for a business empire founded on rewilding and nettle soup are doubted by Lisa. And the stifling thickets of red tape keep only one person smiling – Cheerful Charlie, who charges by the hour.
But the animals couldn’t be happier. A rented bull called Break-Heart Maestro is delighting the cows. The pigs are bringing home the bacon. And the goats are . . . most probably psychopaths.
Yet on the good days it hard not to be optimistic.
Where else do you get to harvest blackberries with a vacuum cleaner?
Maybe it’s not just Break-heart Maestro who gets a happy ending?
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Readers are loving Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly
‘Another funny book from Jeremy. This one made me chuckle but, my only complaint it's too short. I wanted more. Hopefully Another book is being written as we speak’ ***** Reader Review
‘I love the show and I love the books. Both make me chuckle but have also given me an insight into farming and how hard farming is’ **** Reader Review
‘I’ve read the previous books and loved those as well.
Witty and funny with depth and a bit of seriousness’ **** Reader Review
‘Loved it, quickest book I've ever read. Can't wait for the next Clarkson instalment’ **** Reader Review
Diddly Squat: ‘Til The Cows Come Home
Head back down to Clarkson Farm with the bestseller from our favourite welly-wearing wannabe farmer, Jeremy Clarkson
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Enthusiastic trainee farmer Jeremy Clarkson made just £144 in his first year at Diddly Squat Farm. This year he's determined to do better. Not because he now knows what he's doing. But because he's fed up of getting stick from Kaleb.
Yet farming continues to be a challenge.
For instance . . .
· Loading a grain trailer was more demanding than flying an Apache gunship?
· Cows were more dangerous than motor-racing?
· It's easier to get planning permission to build a nuclear plant than to turn a barn into a restaurant?
Jeremy's always got a plan. Loads of them. Often cunning.
Not always greeted with wild enthusiasm by Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie, however . . .
___________
PRAISE FOR DIDDLY SQUAT
'Clarkson has done more for farmers in one series than Countryfile achieved in 30 years' James Rebanks, author of A Shepherd's Life
'Clarkson has showcased the passion, humour and personalities of the people who work throughout the year to grow the nation's food . . . and brought an understanding of many of the issues faced by farmers to the British public' National Farmers Union
'A deserving Farming Champion of the Year' Farmers Weekly
'I don't know anything about farming. It's like David Attenborough doing jet-skiing, or Nicholas Witchell saying, "I'm going to be a cage fighter'" Jeremy Clarkson
Number 1 Sunday Times bestseller, October 2022
Diddly Squat
THE NO. 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER
'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph
'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out
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Welcome to Clarkson's farm.
It's always had a nice ring to it. Jeremy just never thought that one day his actual job would be 'a farmer'.
And, sadly, it doesn't mean he's any good at it.
From buying the wrong tractor (Lamborghini, since you ask . . .) to formation combine harvesting, getting tied-up in knots of red tape to chasing viciously athletic cows, our hero soon learns that enthusiasm alone might not be enough.
Jeremy may never succeed in becoming master of his land, but, as he's discovering, the fun lies in the trying . . .
_________
'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard
Praise for Clarkson's Farm:
'The best thing Clarkson's done . . . it pains me to say this' GUARDIAN
'Shockingly hopeful' INDEPENDENT
'Even the most committed Clarkson haters will find him likeable here' TELEGRAPH
'Quite lovely' THE TIMES
Diddly Squat, Number 1 Sunday Times bestseller, October 2022
Diddly Squat: The Farmer's Dog
Faced with uncooperative weather, bureaucracy, and the world’s persistent refusal to recognise his genius, our hero refuses to be beaten.
Misery loves company and in girlfriend Lisa, Farm Manager Kaleb, Cheerful Charlie and Gerald his Head of Security Jeremy’s got the best. And it’s hard to feel too gloomy with a JCB telehandler, a crop-spraying hovercraft and a digger in the barn.