Who or what always puts a smile on your face?

Coming home after a week in London and finding the kids still up.

What are you reading at the moment?

The Sun.

Which author do you most admire?

For spinning a yarn, Tom Clancy in his early days; for breathtaking writing, Sebastian Faulks.

What's your earliest memory?

Peeling a hard-boiled egg at Manchester Airport.

What is your greatest fear?

That Tony Blair may have a point.

How would you like to be remembered?

I won't be remembered.

Have you even done something you've really regretted?

Yes.

How do you spoil yourself?

I don't.

What's your favourite word/book?

Is this for TV Quick?

Who do you turn to in a crisis?

My chickens. Because only I can ever sort stuff out.

What makes you angry?

Piers Morgan mostly.

Have you ever had any other jobs apart from writing?

I was a milkman once, for a day. And then I sold bears.

Are you in love?

Completely.

What's your worst vice?

A f****** temper s*** head.

What are you proudest of?

Nothing yet.

Where do you write?

At home.

Where's your favourite city?

Saigon, Rome, Hong Kong, Biarritz, Milan and San Francisco are all great. But the winner is London, by an enormous margin.

When was the last time you cried?

My name is Jeremy. That makes me a man, and that means I don't snivel.

One wish; what would it be?

That the whole world would become one... and gang up on the Americans.