How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

The truly indispensible guide to surviving a garden gnome invasion

Chuck Sambuchino is a produced playwright, and a magazine writer, freelance editor, husband, dog owner, and cover band guitarist. He lives in a heavily fortified residence in a secret location.

There’s a new threat in town – and it’s only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless garden decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And it’s here. 
 
Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defence expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system – Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply – for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognising and interpreting the signs of a gathering horde and – in the event that a secured perimeter is breached – confronting and combating the attackers at close range.

Chuck Sambuchino

I'm every nightmare you've ever had. I am your worst dream come true! I am everything you ever were afraid of! 
 
Clowns are the scariest people on earth, and they're coming for your valuables, your children and your sanity. But fear not, herein these pages is a proven four-step system to provide you with the knowledge you need to protect yourself: ASSESS, ANALYSE, DEFEND, PROTECT. 
 
From instructions on how to defeat a clown in close combat and tips for spotting the plainclothes clown, to tutorials for fully clown-proofing your home against these painted and bewigged warriors, Chuck Sambuchino delves into the terrifying clown underworld to teach you what to do when clowns attack... because it's only a matter of time before they do.

Chuck Sambuchino

Books by Chuck Sambuchino

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