How to Be an Ex-Footballer

Shortlisted for the Sports Entertainment Book of the Year at the British Sports Book Awards 
 
The funniest man in British sport - Metro 
 
Peter Crouch is a comedy genius - Daily Mail 
 
Often recruited before they've worn long trousers, today's footballers become superstars who earn huge amounts without ever learning much about the world beyond the training ground. Coddled by their support teams, everything is done for them. They live their lives in the glaring media spotlight, yet only really develop one life skill - how to kick a ball better. Then inevitably, when age catches up with them or injury strikes, these man-children are thrown out into the real world, utterly defenceless apart from their multi-million-pound bank accounts. 
 
So what do these Peter Pans, whose careers end just as most people's are getting going, do with the rest of their lives? Crouch speaks from his own experience and discusses with fellow former professionals too - just how do you safely release a near seven-foot striker back into the wild? 
 
Peter goes in search of the answer to what his second career might be and encounters stories far more bizarre than anything you'll find on the pitch. From the pleasure and pain of management to the lessons we can learn from Jamie Carragher and Joe Cole on not going to seed. From those staying in the sport - the diehard veterans, coaches, managers, owners and of course the legion of pundits, to those moving on to pastures new. Peter talks to entrepreneurs, men of the cloth, eco warriors, artists, private detectives and budding actors, as well as those who've lost their way in addiction, crime and NFTs. 
 
When the final whistle blows, it's still all to play for.

However overpaid and preening you might assume Premier League footballers to be, think again. They're worse, according to this amusing insider's account

Who knew that a footballer could be funny? ... What you realise, as you laugh out loud, is that football has been taken too seriously by too many people for too long... Most other football books wither by comparison

As someone who's been there, done it and got the ill-fitting T-shirt, Crouch is well placed to shed light on the bizarre world of the modern player in a funny, down-to-earth way... He made his name on the pitch ... but with this book, Crouch proves he is a good sport off it, too

On his way to being a national treasure... most enjoyable

One of the funniest human beings on the planet

Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player

I'm not a big book reader, I'm just not. And I've skimmed through this already and thought 'I'm gonna really, really, really, really like this. Seriously, I'm really gonna like it

I've never read a sports book before, but it is really funny

Good footballers come and go but comedy genius - that's for life

I've read a good number of books by footballers, both for business and pleasure, and this is easily one of the best, mainly on the grounds that it's incredibly funny

Full of terrific anecdotes and unexpected confessions

Peter Crouch was a professional footballer for over 20 years. He scored over 100 Premier League goals, has 42 England caps and holds the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history. He's now a bestselling author, award-winning podcast host and champion of grassroots football.

Shortlisted for the Sports Entertainment Book of the Year at the British Sports Book Awards 
 
The funniest man in British sport - Metro 
 
Peter Crouch is a comedy genius - Daily Mail 
 
Often recruited before they've worn long trousers, today's footballers become superstars who earn huge amounts without ever learning much about the world beyond the training ground. Coddled by their support teams, everything is done for them. They live their lives in the glaring media spotlight, yet only really develop one life skill - how to kick a ball better. Then inevitably, when age catches up with them or injury strikes, these man-children are thrown out into the real world, utterly defenceless apart from their multi-million-pound bank accounts. 
 
So what do these Peter Pans, whose careers end just as most people's are getting going, do with the rest of their lives? Crouch speaks from his own experience and discusses with fellow former professionals too - just how do you safely release a near seven-foot striker back into the wild? 
 
Peter goes in search of the answer to what his second career might be and encounters stories far more bizarre than anything you'll find on the pitch. From the pleasure and pain of management to the lessons we can learn from Jamie Carragher and Joe Cole on not going to seed. From those staying in the sport - the diehard veterans, coaches, managers, owners and of course the legion of pundits, to those moving on to pastures new. Peter talks to entrepreneurs, men of the cloth, eco warriors, artists, private detectives and budding actors, as well as those who've lost their way in addiction, crime and NFTs. 
 
When the final whistle blows, it's still all to play for.

How to Be a Footballer 2

I, Robot

In the sequel to the huge bestseller, How to be a Footballer, Peter Crouch tells us more ludicrous tales from the secret world of football

You can dip into this book anywhere and will find delights: all football fans aged from nine to 90 will love it

Where did he find time to write I, Robot? Whenever it was, the big man has hit the jackpot again, lifting the lid on the excesses and ridiculous lifestyles of the average Premier League footballer. Crouch does this as any sharp-eyed insider would: supplementing observations with very funny anecdotes that prove his point, constantly poking fun at himself. It’s a winning combination

**A Daily Mail Book of the Year** 
 
What happens on the pitch is only half the story. 
 
Being a footballer is not just kicking a ball about with twenty-one other people on a big grass rectangle. Sometimes being a footballer is about accidentally becoming best mates with Mickey Rourke, or understanding why spitting is considered football’s most heinous crime. 
 
In How to be a Footballer, Peter Crouch took us into a world of bad tattoos and even worse haircuts, a world where you’re on the pitch one minute, spending too much money on a personalised number plate the next. In I, Robot, he lifts the lid even further on the beautiful game. We will learn about Gareth Bale’s magic beans, the Golden Rhombus of Saturday night entertainment, and why Crouchy’s dad walks his dog wearing an England tracksuit from 2005. 
 
Whether you’re an armchair expert, or out in the stands every Saturday, crazy for five-a-side or haven’t put on a pair of boots since school, this is the real inside story of how to be a footballer.

How to Be a Footballer

The first truly insider guide to being a Premiership footballer, from Britain's funniest sporting icon

'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times 
 
'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro 
 
**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year** 
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards** 
**Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year** 
 
You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate. 
 
So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror. 
 
We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. 
 
I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

As someone who's been there, done it and got the ill-fitting T-shirt, Crouch is well placed to shed light on the bizarre world of the modern player in a funny, down-to-earth way... He made his name on the pitch ... but with this book, Crouch proves he is a good sport off it, too.

I’m not a big book reader, I’m just not. And I’ve skimmed through this already and thought ‘I’m gonna really, really, really, really like this. Seriously, I’m really gonna like it

I’ve never read a sports book before, but it is really funny

Good footballers come and go but comedy genius - that’s for life

I’ve read a good number of books by footballers, both for business and pleasure, and this is easily one of the best, mainly on the grounds that it’s incredibly funny

One of the funniest human beings on the planet

'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times 
 
'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro 
 
**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year** 
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards** 
**Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year** 
 
You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate. 
 
So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror. 
 
We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. 
 
I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

Abbey Clancy

Peter Crouch

In Search of Happy (N)ever After

Join the nation's favourite married couple and chart-topping podcast hosts, Abbey Clancy and Peter Crouch, as they discuss the realities of modern relationships in this hilarious and relatable guide. 
 
From the moment you swipe right or lock eyes across a crowded bar, you step onto a rollercoaster ride of dating, first kisses and romantic weekends away. Then before you know it, you're meeting the in-laws, moving in together and walking down the aisle. It's not all highs, there are lows too: you've got your other half's annoying habits to discover and you need to learn how to win every argument in pursuit of always being right. 
 
When kids come along, sexy text messages make way for school whatsapp groups and suddenly you have no time for one another. Life is a blur of nappies, sleepless nights and chauffeuring as your offspring embark on a more colourful social life than you could dream of. That first date might just be the start of a relationship that lasts for the rest of your life, so choose wisely. 
 
From hooking up to breaking up and getting together to staying together, join us as we navigate our way through the trials and tribulations of dating and relationships. Celebrating all that's good and bad about being in pursuit of love, we ask can you ever find you happy ever after?

Peter Crouch

Books by Peter Crouch

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