1. "There's only one thing more boring than listening to other people's dreams, and that's listening to their problems."
2. "Reasons for not living: You die anyway. Life is nothing but anguish. Reasons for living: Things might get better."
3. "I used to be the sort of boy who had sand kicked in his face, now I'm the sort of boy who watches somebody else have it kicked in their face."
4. "Guilt is a destructive emotion and doesn’t fit in with my Life Plan."
On growing up
5. "None of the teachers at school have noticed that I am an intellectual. They will be sorry when I am famous."
6. "Nigel is a punk at weekends. His mother lets him be one providing he wears a string vest under his bondage T-shirt."
7. "My skin is dead good. I think it must be a combination of being in love, and Lucozade."
8. "I was racked with sexuality but it wore off when I helped my father put manure on our rose bed."
9. "I have never seen a dead body or a female nipple. This is what comes from living in a cul de sac."
10. "I don't know why women are so mad about flowers. Personally, they leave me cold. I prefer trees."
11. "Read the whole of Sex and Reproduction in bed last night. Woke up to find that a few hundred million sperm had leaked out. Still, it will give the remaining sperm room to wag their tails about a bit."
12. "Poor Jesus, it must have been dead awful for him. I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself."
13. "I must say that I take my hat off to Sainsbury's, they seem to attract a better class of person. I saw a vicar choosing toilet paper; he chose a four-roll pack of purple three-ply. He must have money to burn! He could have bought some shiny white and given the difference to the poor. What a hypocrite!"