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Extract: The Twat Files by Dawn French

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According to Yes

The Twat Files

Mistakes, Mayhem, Massive Twattery and a failed audition for Mamma Mia! - Welcome to The Twat Files. 
‘Charming and funny. A good reminder that nobody's perfect – and why would you want to be anyway?’ Independent 
‘Great fun and highly-entertaining’ The Times 
----When I was younger I wanted to be an interesting, sophisticated, semi-heroic, multi-layered person. But being an actual twat is much more the real me. 
 
In The Twat Files I will tell you about all the times I've been a total and utter twat. The moments where I've misunderstood stuff and messed up. In my life these have been key because mistakes tell us about ourselves and others. They are hilarious and expose our flaws. They are gloriously human. 
 
My hope is that these stories remind you of just what a massive twat you also are . . .---'Dawn French is a wonderful writer' Daily Mail 
‘Entertaining, endearing, tantalising. Fans of the national treasure will devour them’ Daily Mirror 
‘Hilarious and highly relatable. The perfect gift for anyone who loves a good laugh’ Woman's Own 
'This woman is a national treasure' Mail on Sunday 
‘Hilarious. The laughs and life lessons are ten-a-penny’ Stylish

Hilarious. The laughs and life lessons are ten-a-penny

It's charming and funny, a good reminder that nobody's perfect – and why would you want to be anyway?

Entertaining, endearing, tantalising. Fans of the national treasure will devour them

Hilarious and highly relatable. The perfect gift for anyone who loves a good laugh

Warm and sprinkled with celebrity stardust. Urges us to embrace our most embarrassing moments, instead of agonising over our humiliation.

These warts-and-all stories are as funny as you’d expect, as warm and supportive as you’d hope, and liberally sprinkled with celebrity stardust.

Dawn French has been making people laugh for 30 years. As a writer, comedian and actor, she has appeared in some of this country's most long-running and celebrated shows, including French and Saunders, The Vicar of Dibley, Jam and Jerusalem, and more recently, Roger and Val Have Just Got In. Her first three novels, A Tiny Bit Marvellous, Oh Dear Silvia and According to YES, are all Sunday Times bestsellers.

When I was younger I wanted to be an interesting, sophisticated, semi-heroic, multi-layered person. 
 
BUT. That kind of perfect is impossible. Being an actual twat is much more the real me. Sorry to boast, but I am a champion twat. 
 
In The Twat Files I will tell you about all the times I've been a total and utter twat. The moments where I've misunderstood stuff and messed up. My hope is that these stories might fire up yer engines to remind you of just what a massive twat you also are. 
 
Let's celebrate and revel in this most delightful of traits together. That would be perfectly twatty.

Discover the joyously funny and charming novel from Dawn French, number one bestselling author of A Tiny Bit Marvellous and Oh Dear Silvia 
 
'I adored it. So charming, wise and brilliantly written' MARIAN KEYES 
 
'Think the Vicar of Dibley, without the dog collar. YES YES YES indeed' Independent 
 
The Foreign Land of the Very Wealthy - otherwise known as Manhattan's Upper East Side - has its own rigid code of behaviour. It's a code strictly adhered to by the Wilder-Bingham family. 
 
Emotional displays - unacceptable. 
 
Unruly behaviour - definitely not welcome. 
 
Fun - no thanks. 
 
This is Glenn Wilder-Bingham's kingdom. A beautifully displayed, impeccably edited fortress of restraint. 
 
So when Rosie Kitto, an eccentric thirty-eight-year-old primary school teacher from England, bounces into their lives with a secret sorrow and a heart as big as the city, nobody realises that she hasn't read the rule book. 
 
Because after a lifetime of saying no, what happens when everyone decides to start saying . . . yes? 
 
'There is lots of fun to be had reading this book. It's impossible not to warm to Rosie. There's something quite joyous about the way she unashamedly romps her way through the novel, changing the lives of those around her for the better' Express 
 
Praise for Dawn French: 
 
'A fantastic slam-dunk pageturner. Funny, enriching . . . page after page I laughed out loud' Mail on Sunday 
 
'A hilarious snapshot of family life in the twenty-first century' Sunday Express 
 
'Extremely funny' Sunday Times 
 
'Dawn tackles the big ones - love, death, grief, childhood, motherhood, parenthood - head on' Guardian 
 
'Makes you laugh on every page' The Times 
 
'A brilliantly observed, very funny novel of family life' Woman and Home 
 
'Funny, really enjoyable, highly recommended. A wonderful writer - witty, wise, poignant' Daily Mail

The No.1 Sunday Times Bestseller

Me. You. Not a Diary

'A mellow, gentle read with a lot of words of wisdom' Independent 
 
Let Dawn French guide you through the year with her witty and wise seasonal insights. 
__________ 
 
Me You: Not A Diary is a pocket diary without the diary part. Or the pocket. 
 
It includes everything you loved about the original but without the calendar pages. To keep a working diary alongside Dawn, we recommend the hardback edition of Me You: A Diary. 
 
 Me You is a place for me and you to reflect on the patterns and changes of the year. It's full of my thoughts about the seasons, the months and what matters. It's your guide to reflecting on the year you've just had - or the one still to come. 
 
 Dive in, the paper's lovely . . . 
_________ 
 
 'A witty outlook on life. This will have you laughing about your year' Prima 
 
 'It's beautiful, like Dawn, and stuffed full of goodies' Jo Brand

Dawn's witty outlook on life will have you laughing

A must-read to pass on to friends and family of all ages

A manual for how to create your own happiness

A mellow, gentle read with words of wisdom

It's beautiful, like Dawn, and stuffed full of goodies

Who wouldn't want to spend a year in the company of Dawn French?

A lovely concept . . . it's very intimate

I spent a good 10 minutes snogging it

I love it. Lots of my friends are getting sent one now!!!

This woman is a warm hug in human form - just thinking about her makes me smile. Dawn spreads joy in abundance. She is dazzling

This is Dawn French's fabulously inventive take on modern life - the twists and turns, the surprises, the hurts and the delights. Yes, especially those. It's a way for readers to take a lovely ramble through the year together with Dawn. Think of it as Dawn's diary, with places for the reader to personalize the book with their own thoughts and experiences . . . perfection.

Me. You. A Diary

It's the start of a new year, so why not record your thoughts alongside Dawn's warm and witty observations. It's a brilliant way to pay-attention to and remember the days you're living through . . . 
 
'Beautiful, like Dawn, and stuffed full of goodies' JO BRAND 
 
 'Start a journal alongside Dawn's witty outlook on life. This will have you laughing about your year' PRIMA 
 
 'This book is inspired!!!' NADIYA HUSSAIN 
_________ 
 
Take a lovely ramble through the year together with Dawn. Think of it as Dawn's diary, personalised by you . . . perfection. 
 
 I can't count the amount of diaries I have crammed full with entries in January, that then fizzle out as the other months pile in. 
 
One of my teenage diaries has fulsome fizzing reports of every single conversation, thought and feeling about every friend, every crush, every meal, every argument until mid-March, when the entry on the 18th simply reads, 
 
 'Washed hair.' 
 
 Thank god, this isn't that. 
 
This book is a way for us to tell the story of a year together. Feel free to write your appointments in it, lists, thoughts and reminders of, say, who to kill, and when, and in what order. But I've also written about age and life as I see it, through the seasons and the months, and I've added some places for you to join me in some fun and some thinking. 
 
By the end of the year, I am hoping you will have a fatter, scruffier book that is written by me but totally personalised by you. 
 
 Come on in. The paper is lovely . . . 
 
 AND . . . importantly, Me. You: A Diary comes with a practical elastic strap to keep all of your papers safe, with a pocket in the back for storing those special momentoes.

This is Dawn French's fabulous new non-fiction book: take a lovely ramble through the year together with Dawn. Think of it as Dawn's diary, personalized by you . . . perfection.

Who wouldn't want to spend a year in the company of Dawn French?

[A] must-read to pass on to friends and family of all ages

A lovely concept . . . it's very intimate

A manual for how to be a good person, make peace with your life and create your own happiness

Dawn French will get you thinking with Me. You. A Diary. That's Christmas sorted!

Me. You. A Diary reveals what [Dawn] has learned in her 60 years and features blank pages for readers to include their own entries. A mellow, gentle read with words of wisdom

One brilliant, inspiring woman . . . I'm going to love spending a year with you

It's as if she's in your head. Feisty. Intimate. True. LOVE IT!

Wreck This Journal meets Dawn French's ruminations on the seasons, ageing and more - this is a companion piece to help you through life itself. A very good idea

A national treasure. Loyal, self-deprecating and garrulous, French's story makes for entertaining reading. This is an original book, and will delight her fans and, indeed anyone with a sense of humour

Dawn tackles the big ones - love, death, grief, childhood, motherhood, parenthood - head on

A wonderful writer - witty, wise, poignant

[It's] beautiful, like Dawn, and stuffed full of goodies

The most fun you'll have with a book all year . . . The perfect stocking filler

Top tome for THIS YEAR'S STOCKINGS! Start a journal alongside Dawn's witty outlook on life. This will have you laughing about your year

Dawn French has written a new book for 2017! It's INTERACTIVE - the reader and Dawn will spend a year together travelling through the days, the months and the seasons of the year to make SENSE of it. And have some fun along the way . . .

The gloriously heartwarming novel from the No. 1 bestselling author of Because of You

Oh Dear Silvia

Discover the gloriously heartwarming and funny novel from No. 1 bestselling author of Women's Prize shortlisted Richard &amp; Judy pick BECAUSE OF YOU, Dawn French 
 
'A wonderful writer - witty, wise, poignant' DAILY MAIL 
'Hilarious. My top book' THE TIMES 
__________ 
 
Everyone knows the real Silvia, don't they? 
 
Silvia Shute lies in hospital in a coma. 
 
Family and friends gather at her bedside, each thinking they know the real Silvia. But do they? 
 
For Silvia hides a secret. One she can never tell. And as her visitors congregate, so the truth about Silvia is slowly revealed. 
 
Again, and again and again . . . 
__________ 
 
PRAISE FOR DAWN FRENCH: 
 
'Fantastic, passionate, compassionate, so much wisdom, a lot of humour, very real and credible' BERNARDINE EVARISTO 
'I adored it. So charming, wise and brilliantly written' MARIAN KEYES 
'Think the Vicar of Dibley, without the dog collar' INDEPENDENT 
'Dawn tackles the big ones - love, death, grief, childhood, motherhood, parenthood - head on' GUARDIAN 
'A fantastic slam-dunk pageturner. Funny, enriching . . . page after page I laughed out loud' MAIL ON SUNDAY 
'A hilarious snapshot of family life in the twenty-first century' SUNDAY TIMES 
'Extremely funny' SUNDAY TIMES 
'Side-splitting, darkly humorous' HEAT 
'Makes you laugh on every page' THE TIMES 
'A brilliantly observed, very funny novel of family life' WOMAN &amp; HOME 
'Funny, really enjoyable, highly recommended' DAILY MAIL

Beautifully observed. Makes you laugh on every page

Hilarious. Chortle-out-loud turns of phrase, razor-sharp observations

Really enjoyable and highly recommended. Dawn French is a wonderful writer - witty, wise and poignant

Everyone knows the real Silvia, don't they? 
 
Silvia Shute lies in hospital in a coma. Family and friends gather at her bedside, each thinking they know the real Silvia. But do they? For Silvia hides a secret. One she can never tell. And as her visitors congregate so the truth about Silvia is slowly revealed. Again, and again and again . . .

A Tiny Bit Marvellous

The hilarious no. 1 bestseller by comedian and author of According to Yes and Oh Dear Sylvia 
 
Everyone hates the perfect family. 
 
So you'll love the Battles. 
 
Meet Mo Battle, about to turn 50 and mum to two helpless, hormonal teenagers. There's 17-year-old daughter Dora who blames Mo for, like, EVERYTHING and Peter who believes he's quite simply as darling and marvellous as his hero Oscar Wilde. Somewhere, keeping quiet, is Dad . . . who's just, well . . . Dad. 
 
However, Mo is having a crisis. She's about to do something unusually wild and selfish, which will leave the entire family teetering on the edge of a precipice. 
 
Will the family fall? 
 
Or will they, when it really matters, be there for each other? 
 
A Tiny Bit Marvellous is the number one bestselling novel from one of Britain's favourite comic writers. 
 
Praise for A Tiny Bit Marvellous: 
 
'Funny, really enjoyable, highly recommended. A wonderful writer - witty, wise, poignant' Wendy Holden 
 
'A fantastic slam-dunk pageturner. Funny, enriching . . . page after page I laughed out loud' Mail on Sunday 
 
'Beautifully observed. Makes you laugh on every page' The Times 
 
'A brilliantly observed, very funny novel of family life' Woman and Home

Beautifully observed. Makes you laugh on every page

Hilarious. Chortle-out-loud turns of phrase, razor-sharp observations

Has she cracked it with her first novel? Yes. Engaging from the first page

Really enjoyable and highly recommended. Dawn French is a wonderful writer - witty, wise and poignant

Has she cracked it with her first novel? Yes. Engaging from the first page

Everyone hates the perfect family. So you'll love the Battles. 
 
Mo is about to hit the big 50, and some uncomfortable truths are becoming quite apparent: 
 
She doesn't understand either of her teenage kids, which as a child psychologist, is fairly embarrassing. 
She has become entirely grey. Inside, and out. 
Her face has surrendered and is frightening children. 
 
Dora is about to hit the big 18 . . . and about to hit anyone who annoys her, especially her precocious younger brother Peter who has a chronic Oscar Wilde fixation. 
 
Then there's Dad . . . who's just, well, dad. 
 
A TINY BIT MARVELLOUS is the story of a modern family all living in their own separate bubbles lurching towards meltdown. It is for anyone who has ever shared a home with that weird group of strangers we call relations. 
 
Oh and there's a dog. Called Poo.

Dear Fatty

something of a revelation. Beacuse in among the the gags and photos of her bare bosom, there is intellectual rigour and real emotional intelligence ... heavens, she's a funny lady. I can't remember the last time a book made me laugh so much.

a national treasure ... Loyal, self-deprecating and garrulous, French's story makes for entertaining reading ... this is an original book, and will delight her fans and, indeed anyone with a sense of humour

there are moments here that shine with the genius for observational comedy for which Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders (the Fatty of the title) are famous

Dawn writes (with) tenderness, caring and oodles of charm. Well-paced, it's a reminder of why she has been a staple of the British comedy scene since the early 1980s

Anyone perparing for another dry, identikit celebrity autobiography is going to be delighted by these hilarious memoirs

while much of the book's tone is that of the unassailably jolly Dawn we all expect ... other letters are tear-jerkingly poignant and none more so than those she writes to her late father Denys French

For all her honesty anyone hoping for a light-hearted romp will be delighted ... While her charm shines throughout, the more intense moments stay with you in a way that most celeb autobiographies can only strive for

you'll be captivated by her witty and warm style

Self-depracating yet never self-pitying, irreverent yet never truly cynical, she comes across as a woman genuinely at ease with herself ... French is engaging company, and at her best she writes about heartbreak and elation with such grace that her book is impossible to dislike

Dawn French has been making people laugh for 30 years. As a writer, comedian and actor, she has appeared in some of this country's most long-running and celebrated shows, including French and Saunders, The Vicar of Dibley, Jam and Jerusalem, and more recently, Roger and Val Have Just Got In. Her first three novels, A Tiny Bit Marvellous, Oh Dear Silvia and According to YES, are all Sunday Times bestsellers.

A SUNDAY TIMES NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER 
___________________________ 
The hilarious and heartwarming memoir from one of Britain's best-loved comedians and Women's Prize longlisted author, Dawn French. 
 
Dawn French is one of the greatest comedians of our time with a career that has spanned nearly four decades. Loved for her irreverent humour, Dawn has achieved massive mainstream success while continuing to push boundaries and challenge stereotypes. Here, she describes the journey that would eventually establish her as a perhaps unlikely, but nevertheless genuine, national treasure. 
 
As part of the much loved duo French and Saunders, Dawn helped create a repertoire of brilliantly observed characters, impersonating everything from Madonna and Harry Potter to The Exorcist. Dawn's iconic role in the Vicar of Dibley showcased not only her talent but also her ability to take a controversial and topical issue and make it mainstream - and very funny. 
 
From her early years as an RAF child and her flat-sharing antics with Jennifer Saunders, to her outspoken views on sizism and her marriage to Lenny Henry, Dear Fatty chronicles the extraordinary and hilarious rise of a complex, dynamic and unstoppable woman.

Dawn French

Etta is sixty-eight years old. Happy, healthy and an active participant in her world, she’s gathered her family together for an unforgettable weekend. 
 
Tick. 
 
At 5am that Saturday morning, Etta wakes her daughter, her granddaughter, her son and her daughter-in-law up to lead everyone down to the beach. To ‘Etta’s Hollow’, where a roaring fire has already been lit. Drowsy but delighted – the sun is just starting to rise for a glorious dawn – Etta’s family bask in the beauty of the moment. A memory to be cherished forever. 
 
Tick. 
 
Until twenty minutes later, when Etta announces to her assembled beloveds something as shocking as it is alarming. ‘I have brought you all down to the beach this morning to tell you something important. You see, the thing is, today is my last day alive.’ 
 
Boom. 
 
Over the next twenty-four hours, Etta and her family are about to have the most surprising, affecting and life-affirming day of all their lives.

Dawn French

Books by Dawn French

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Which books emotionally wrecked you? With Dawn French

Extract: The Twat Files by Dawn French

According to Yes

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